


lost my way in your city lights

by 99spearb



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Divination, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic, Memory Loss, OT9 - Freeform, Past Character Death, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Slow Burn, Team as Family, Witches, changbin's dead btw, hyunjin cries a lot, i call chan chris, mostly 3racha + hyunjin but other members appear too, or is he? :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/99spearb/pseuds/99spearb
Summary: Seoul doesn't sleep. It bustles with life during the day, filled with endless music and chatter. Adults going on with their lives, children playing, students tiredly stumbling from one place to another.When the sun goes down, everything changes. People hide in the safety of their homes, locking their children inside in worry, although some of them are not even aware why. They're not aware what comes out at night.Hidden in plain sight during the day -- shapes in the dark alleys of Hongdae, creatures moving through the dark waters of the Han river -- most of them only get to live their lives after sunset.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> hello 
> 
> not only is this mt first work in this fandom, it's also the first fic ive written in..... months. im still trying to get back to writing after ages or writer's block so i hope you'll all enjoy it? 
> 
> side note: english is not my first language so there will most likely be grammar mistakes :D

Seoul doesn't sleep. It bustles with life during the day, filled with endless music and chatter. Adults going on with their lives, children playing, students tiredly stumbling from one place to another. 

 

When the sun goes down, everything changes. People hide in the safety of their homes, locking their children inside in worry, although some of them are not even aware why. They're not aware what comes out at night. 

 

Hidden in plain sight during the day -- shapes in the dark alleys of Hongdae, creatures moving through the dark waters of the Han river -- most of them only get to live their lives after sunset.

 

Being a part of that is the only thing Hyunjin knows, but, in his defense, he doesn't remember much. His earliest memory is from two years ago -- opening his eyes to the bright neon lights shining in the sky, the feeling of wet concrete under his back, a worried face peering into his. Any attempts to reach into his past memories result in debilitating pain, and asking around results in even more questions.

  
  


Over the years, he's managed to piece together who he was and what his life was like before; he ran away from home at a young age, after finding out he had magical abilities. Once he came to Seoul, he quickly became immersed in the night life with the help of the people he came across, who he started to consider family after knowing them for some time. He knows he specialized in divination, always with a deck of tarot cards on him, just in case he felt lost; his magic, however, had an unknown purpose, couldn't help anyone, couldn't guide him anywhere, only came out when he was really focused,   _ or _ really upset. 

 

The two years that he's been, well, remembering, were full of new things. The first night after regaining his memory he was led to an apartment that supposedly was his  and yet, he couldn't see himself in. The people he once considered family were now strangers, and as heartbreaking as that must've been for all of them, he had to form bonds with them once more. 

 

Hyunjin can't say that there's many constants in his life -- if he really focuses on it, he can name three things that have stayed with him the entire time. 

 

The first one is his tarot deck. Well worn, slightly faded and not in the best condition it's ever been in, the cards make him feel at ease. The connection he has with them is as though his memory was never lost, their energy familiar and new at the same time. He turns to them in times of feeling lost, unsure about something he's about to attempt, and they never fail to provide an answer. 

 

The second one is his familiar. 

 

On his first night, he remembers a black snake sliding across his body, and even though he didn't know the animal at the time, its presence wasn't threatening in any way. Its magic, its energy, were all familiar and compatible with his own. The creature, having earned the nickname Bean from Hyunjin, doesn't leave him most times. It's always there, curled around his shoulder or wrapping around his arms, crimson eyes always on him. It doesn't know anything about his past, though, almost as if it lost its memories the same way Hyunjin did. 

 

The third and quite possibly most important, is the seven people that he can, for the second time in his life, call a family. From what he's gathered, they've known each other for an incredibly long time -- people in Seoul usually come and go, but they were different. They stayed for each other, stayed for what they had. For some of them, it's the only family they've ever had. 

 

(It's quite sad for Hyunjin -- he had a family too, at one point, but he can't remember anything apart from that. He's not sure what's worse - never having a family before, or having one and not remembering it.)

 

One thing that has helped him immensely with forming new bonds and relationships with them, was his deck. He quickly became aware that every single member of his family shared the same energy and characteristics of at least one card and, with their guidance, it was a bit easier for him to get familiar with them. 

 

The oldest out of all of them, someone Hyunjin from the very beginning associated with The Emperor, was Woojin. His card represents organization, authority, protectiveness, and that's exactly who the witch is. He takes care of them almost like a parent would, his magic strictly protective and never with ill intentions. Being the oldest grants him some authority over them, as he's obviously experienced more than any of them in any field, but he never takes advantage of that. He thinks logically, knowing that his emotions would only be a burden in certain situations, and he is the one always able to help them, always giving advice no matter what it might require of him.

 

Younger than Woojin, but still technically one of the oldest, was Chan -- a witch described the best by the King of Wands; a natural leader, capable of big things, full of raw power and inspiration. Everything Chan does is filled with energy, and there isn't really anything he  _ can't  _ do, because once he sets his mind on something, he will not stop until he's achieved it. While Woojin is a critical thinker and never lets his emotions cloud his judgement, Chan is different -- his choices are based more off his emotions, as well as everyone around him. It's a double edged sword -- as helpful as it might be at times, sometimes mistakes are made. His magic manifests itself in all forms - it can be protective, used as a weapon or a tool, and it's saved him from negative situations plenty of times, as well as almost hurt them at times. 

 

Minho, the third one in their age order is The Moon. The older was a bit of an enigma; it definitely took Hyunjin the longest to figure out what he really was like. The most obvious thing that he saw -- Minho was a trickster. His magic wasn't the strongest, which is why he only ever uses it to play tricks on them, but it's obvious he has the potential to be more powerful. Just as the card suggests, he brings clarity to all of them, like a light guiding them through the dark. Despite everything, the pranks and the trickery, he brought all of them together. In times of being lost, in cases of their rare arguments, he is the one that sees through their lies and calls them out when needed. 

 

The first person Hyunjin can remember is Jisung. The shapeshifter is his age, and even before he was associated with The Chariot in Hyunjin's mind, his energy was clear. Having obviously gone through a lot, as his powers were very unstable, according to Jisung himself, he was now the definition of control and overcoming challenges. He's helped Hyunjin immensely, back when he couldn't remember anything, being patient and kind. He's told him countless stories about how close the two of them used to be, talked to him about how their life was before and Hyunjin is insanely grateful for him (even though he never wanted to tell him  _ what _ exactly made Hyunjin lose his memory). 

 

Seungmin is balance. Everything in his life;  from him going to school and trying to perfect his highly unusual powers at the same time, to all the patience he has for everything. Temperance is all of these things. Seungmin, out of everyone, has helped Hyunjin the most with his abilities --  not that Hyunjin is extraordinarily gifted, but he appreciates it nonetheless. They're similar, in a way -- Seungmin used to be like him; over sensitive at times, unpredictable when upset, but he's learned how to control that, found his balance. He's learned how to adapt, and no matter how dangerous his power could be at times, he's calm and patient with himself, and that's what's the most important.  

 

Felix is The Sun in all possible ways. From his tanned skin and bright eyes, to the warmth and happiness he radiates just by existing, he brings hope to all of them. It wasn't always like that, though (or so he heard). The boy's powers did not make themselves known until after being with them for a year and a half, and before that he was sure he was  _ ordinary. _ Not being gifted was not a particularly odd thing around here; but having come from a family of people with powers, and then becoming a part of  _ their _ family -- it sure was sad to him. Not that Hyunjin remembers what it was like - all he knows is the Felix full of confidence and optimism, the one who sends Hyunjin bright smiles when he's down and helps him interpret his readings when he's struggling. 

 

The Fool, numbered zero, showing infinite potential, is an eighteen year old named Yang Jeongin. He's pure everything -- pure joy, pure innocence, pure  _ power _ . They haven't seen the full extent of his powers (or, at least Hyunjin hasn't), but the boy is capable of great things and they all know that. The fact that Jeongin would probably be able to set the entire city of Seoul on fire and get rid of every living creature there; and yet, he's spending his entire life in Chan's living room watching animated movies and eating his food. 

 

That, and he's the only one strong enough to travel to other realms, which they all use to their advantage because some of the most useful things to them; stones and magical plants, happen to be unavailable here. Because of that, every once in a while, their youngest brother leaves, to better his abilities and, while he's at it, get them supplies. 

  
  


It has now been about six months since Jeongin left, and to be fair, everyone of them  _ misses _ the boy. Hyunjin, only slightly excited, has been waiting to see him, coming 20 early and having to stand in the rain. 

  
  
  


The neon lights of the brightly lit streets cast strange images onto the wet pavement, still falling rain distorting the shapes. Something warm and smooth slithers down his arm, onyx colored head peeking out of his sleeve and looking around curiously.

 

_ Can we go home? _ The voice in his head whispers, a slight whine to it. Hyunjin chuckles, shaking his head. 

 

“It's not going to take much longer, I swear.” He says quietly, urging the snake to hide back in the confines of his clothes. A small, displeased sound echoes in his mind before the creature moves back into his sleeve,  curling around his arm. 

 

And, as the clock strikes midnight, something shifts, so subtle any other person would've missed it. But, to Hyunjin's experienced eyes, it's obvious. A small ripple in the street, a wave in the neon lights, the wind picking up, carrying a faint scent of herbs and magic with it. The cold night air thrums with silent energy, and a figure steps out of the shadows, seemingly materializing out of thin air. Hyunjin smiles, walking out of the alley. “Finally,” he breathes out, shaking his head in mock annoyance. 

 

“How long have you been standing here?” The person asks, bright eyes sparkling even in the dim light of the street. 

 

“Too long, Jeongin.” He answers, taking a step forward and giving the other a tight hug in greeting. He almost bumps the orange cat perched on the boy's shoulder, but catches himself in time and gives the animal a pat on the head. 

 

Jeongin grins at him, smile (literally) illuminating the area around them. While his expression doesn't falter, the boy seems a bit troubled, if not disappointed. “I'd love to stay a bit longer, but Woojin is waiting for me, and you know how he gets--” he rambles, gesticulating wildly and searching around his pockets for something. After a few slow minutes, he pulls out two velvet pouches from his jacket and hands them to Hyunjin. 

 

One of the pouches is normal, filled with a variety or herbs and stones Hyunjin had asked him for. He pockets it with a small smile and an appreciative nod.

 

The other one is… odd. It feels unusually heavy in his hands, but the energy it radiates is even stranger. It tugs at Hyunjin's soul, sends a shiver down his spine and makes his fingertips tingle with unknown magic. He looks at Jeongin, questioning. “What is this?” 

 

Jeongin shrugs, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet innocently. “Just some things that reminded me of you. Why?”

 

Hyunjin shakes his head. “Nothing.” He says, not wanting to trouble the boy with that just yet. He need to find out for himself, first. 

 

Jeongin doesn't look very convinced, but doesn't say anything. He looks around, searching for any people that might be there, before launching himself at Hyunjin. “I really missed all of you,” he mutters, face buried in the other's shoulder. “But I better go -- I don't want to keep  _ dad _ waiting.”

 

“That's fine. We're can hang out, like, tomorrow.” Hyunjin reassures, patting the younger's back. “Tell everyone I said hi.” 

 

They stay like that for a little while, enjoying each other's presence after not  being able to have any contact for  _ months.  _ For Jeongin, he wasn't gone for very long, but, unfortunately, time passes differently in magical realms. Once they part, Jeongin flashes him one last smile, before he steps backwards and blends into the rain. 

 

Hyunjin reaches into his sleeve, running his fingers over the snake's head gently. “Let's go home, Bean.” he whispers, walking onto the streets, wet concrete crunching underneath him. He considers taking the long road home, to enjoy the cool wind that came with the rain, to watch all the bright lights just for a few seconds more; before he has to hide in his tiny apartment.  Something stops him, though -- the odd vibrations the velvet pouch gives off, the strange energy he feels in his core. He needs to find out what it is as soon as possible. 

 

It's not long before he jogs up the stairs, reaching his apartment on the second floor of a building occupied by other witches, for the most part. He unlocks the door with a key firs,  then places his hand flat on the wood, the surface lighting up with intricate sigils (courtesy of Woojin), before it finally opens. 

 

Only in a bit if a rush, Hyunjin takes his coat and shoes off, lays Bean down on the couch, places his newly acquired herbs and crystal where they should be, and heads to the balcony with the other pouch. 

 

He spends a lot of time there -- doing readings, practicing magic, spending time with himself. It helps him focus, calms him down and makes him feel like he's in control of his own life and powers. As he sits down on the floor, he leaves the balcony door ajar after seeing Bean slither across the floor. Heart pounding in excitement and nerves, he opens the pouch and lets the items roll onto the tiles. 

 

There's three items in there; two of them hand carved wooden figurines, one of them a fox and the other a snake. It brings a smile to Hyunjin's face - the younger boy always brings him something like that, all of them having a special spot on his dresser in his bedroom. The third item is what was making him feel so  _ odd _ . It's a crystal pendulum -- a piece of amethyst, held up and wrapped in a leather cord. It appears to be well worn, and the energy it radiates feels oddly familiar, like it's something he's felt before. Amethysts are stones for mental protection, they help warding off negative energy and act as a shield for the wearer. 

 

Hyunjin clicks his tongue in thought, wondering what it could be. He holds in in his hands, eyes closed, and focuses. There's something almost like a barrier there, something preventing him from getting a grasp on the energy and trying to press further only makes pain erupt behind his eyes.  With a heavy sigh, he stops. Looks like he won't be getting anywhere with it. 

 

Without further thought, he slips the pendulum around his neck and gets up. It feels like it  _ belongs _ there, the cold stone resting against his sternum. It thrums with silent energy, sending a wave of warmth down his spine, and as Hyunjin slowly heads to his bedroom, it just tugs at his soul more and more. It's weird, really, how it's making him feel safe just by being near him. But it's definitely something he needs to discuss with Chan and the others - perhaps it has something to do with his lost memories. 

 

Usually, Hyunjin has pretty clear dreams -- oftentimes it's messages that he interprets with the use of his tarot deck after awakening. This time, however, is different. 

 

_ The night is warm, and the streetlights overhead bask them all in a golden light. The eight of them are sitting under a tree in Woojin's backyard, laughing about something silly Felix said.  _

 

_ Hyunjin can feel two people leaning against him, one of them, obvious by the loud laughter being Jisung, and the other--  _

 

_ When he turns his head to look in the direction, he finds that he can't see the person's face clearly; features blurring into an indistinguishable mass, their whole body looking like it's made out of fog.  _

  
  


Once he's awake, all he can feel is  _ confusion _ . He can't remember more past  _ that _ . The memory, which is what he assumes it was, was just odd enough to make him consider taking out his cards, but he decides against it. He quickly texts Chan, warning him that he's coming over later, and gets out of bed slowly. Humming softly to himself, he checks all his notifications, and moves to the kitchen to make himself coffee and breakfast. 

 

The pendulum feels warm against his neck, and if it wasn't slightly uncomfortable, he probably wouldn't have noticed it. Despite that, he doesn't even try taking it off.  

 

As he's texting Seungmin, he briefly mentions getting an odd gift from Jeongin the night before, but changes the topic quickly. That's not something he wants to discuss over text.

 

Hyunjin is out of the house almost two hours later, because, as it turns out, browsing the internet and watching reruns of his favorite TV show is more time consuming than he'd thought. He takes his time walking, because even though Chan lives quite far, he still needs to think about the  _ memory (?).  _ That, and the weather is pretty nice. 

 

He's lucky to be the part of Seoul's night life that's able to still live their lives during the day as well. He knows many people, from vampires to chimeras and lamias, who can't show up during the day because of the fear of being beaten up or worse. 

 

Even Jisung, despite looking 100% human, sometimes gets caught up while shifting and ends up with wolf ears or a wing sticking out of his back. Those situations can escalate quickly -- he gets things thrown at him, ranging from insults to empty glass bottles, and it never ends well; none of them are patient when it comes to their family being hurt.

 

He keeps on texting both Seungmin and Felix as he walks, and even as he gets to the door of Chan's house he doesn't lift his eyes from the screen of his phone. What makes him snap out of it, is the door slowly creaking open. 

 

“You've been standing out here for, like, 5 minutes and didn't think to knock?” Woojin asks, laughing silently.  Hyunjin nods with a flat expression, walking past the older boy and going straight to the kitchen after taking his shoes off. 

 

Woojin and Jeongin moved in with Chan over a year prior, after he had complained about “feeling lonely” and “Jeongin only coming over when he wanted help with homework” and “never having food at home” -- in the end, since their house is the biggest, that's where the eight of them spend most days. And, because of that, he's not at all surprised when he sees Jisung and Seungmin already there, the older of the two immediately clinging to Hyunjin. 

 

Only slightly startled by that, he wraps one of his arms around Jisung and pats Seungmin on the back with his free hand as a greeting. 

 

Woojin looks at them fondly from where he's leaning against the counter. “Do you guys want food?” He asks, cringing slightly when he's answered with loud yells of excitement at the question. 

 

Seungmin gets up, sighing. “I'll help you.” Shooting Jisung and Hyunjin an exasperated glare, he moves to help Woojin make what looks suspiciously like pancake batter.  

 

Jisung stays glued to Hyunjin's side for as long as he can -- until Woojin sets down the first pancake and he ends up burning his tongue on it and subsequently getting scolded. 

 

They eat and joke around, making Hyunjin forget about the strange gift and the even stranger memory. Even the pendulum, hidden under his sweatshirt, has cooled down to a normal temperature.  

 

It's slightly later when they move to the living room and sit down on any available surface; Hyunjin in the armchair next to the window, the remaining three on the couch, close to each other despite there being a lot of space around them. After a few minutes of them sitting in silence, the only sound whatever game show was currently playing on TV, the front door opens and the house is filled with  _ noise,  _ the remaining four making their presence known immediately. 

 

“Hi, Woojin. Hi, the rest of you who don't live here,” Chan greets, dropping down on the couch next to Jisung and pulling Minho down next to them. He looks tired, like he usually does these days, but Hyunjin doesn't question it. All he can do is hope someone's reminding him to sleep regularly. Felix and Jeongin emerge from the kitchen soon after them, the older of the two sitting on the other armchair opposite of Hyunjin and pulls their youngest on his lap. It's obvious that they've all missed them, more than they usually did.

 

Finally, being able to talk to each other, the eight of them  _ together _ again, they all appear a lot happier -- Seungmin's smile could rival the sun itself, and Jeongin's laugh is  _ definitely  _ heard all throughout the neighborhood. 

 

And yet, Hyunjin gets the feeling that something is missing. Maybe he's just being paranoid, but perhaps it has something to do with the faceless boy from his dream, with the pendulum that's once again heating up. 

 

Who could the boy possibly be? It's always been the eight of them, that's what they've always told Hyunjin. When they talked about it, that is. All of them avoided the subject as much as they could, only ever telling Hyunjin that it was a stupid accident, a concussion doubled with magic injuries to his brain. That's  _ all. _

 

They wouldn't lie to him, would they? 

 

He pushes the uneasiness down, and they fall into a conversation just as easily as they always do, and it they spend  _ forever _ chatting about useless topics, before they start talking about Jeongin's last trip. The boy recounts stories of people and creatures he's met, things he's eaten, people he (almost) fought and  _ then, _ they talk about the gifts they've gotten.

 

It's all standard, for the most part -- the wooden figurines are now like a tradition, it's what he always brings back. Herbs, crystals, wands are also an obvious gift because there really isn't much they need aside from that. They discuss the different things they could use them for -- from divination and protection, to cooking for the rest of them. 

 

As the conversation slowly dies down, Seungmin just so happens to mention Hyunjin calling one of his gifts  _ odd. _ Which, of course, leads to him being bombarded by questions that he  _ really _ doesn't feel like answering because of how uneasy it makes him feel.

 

“Yeah, uh…” Hyunjin chuckles, slowly pulling it over his head and holding it in front of him for everyone to see. The crystal seems to glow faintly, but it might be just his imagination. “I don't know, it's odd.”

 

They all fall quiet.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Hyunjin sees Woojin and Chan stiffen. 

 

“Where did you get that?” Jisung asks Jeongin, and his voice is strained, like he's trying to hold himself back from screaming. 

 

The boy freezes for a few minutes, staring at Hyunjin with that  _ deer in the headlights _ look on his face, before he turns to the rest, voice shaky. “Oh  _ shit _ , I- I didn't even realize, I don't know how the seller had it  _ there- _ ” 

 

Everyone's too still to scold his choice of words. 

 

Hyunjin's heart rate quickens at their reactions worry heavy like lead in the pit of his stomach, and he furrows his brows in confusion. “What are you talking about?” He asks, shaking his head. 

 

No one answers his question for a while, only adding to his panic, before Woojin finally opens his mouth to speak. 

 

“Jinnie, before I start, I just need you to understand that we did what we did for a reason,” he says, speaking slowly and quietly, as if talking to a wounded animal. Hyunjin sits up straighter, pocketing the pendulum with a shaking hand. 

 

“We… were not always honest with you. And I swear it was for your own good--” 

 

_ What? _

 

Hyunjin's antsy now, frustration bubbling in him, making his fingertips tingle with magic. “Just  _ tell  _ me, for fuck's sake.”

 

The oldest shares a sorrowful look with Chan, before he speaks again.

 

“There… was no head injury. No accident. The memories that you're missing were removed by us,”

 

His heart drops. Why would they-- 

 

“There wasn't always eight of us, either. We were nine, but he-”

 

Hyunjin wants to scream. He wants to show them the goddamn pendulum, wants to tell them that he  _ saw _ him, that he  _ knows _ , and yet,  words fail him. He looks at Woojin with his mouth slightly open, utterly speechless. 

 

Seungmin speaks up afterwards, oddly timid. “He died. And so would you, if it wasn't for him.”

 

Time seems to stop, and the only thing Hyunjin hears is the rushing of blood in his ears. Deep inside of him, he recognizes the faint whisper of the pendulum as the same as one of the cards in his deck.

 

_ The Hanged Man: martyrdom, release, sacrifice. _

 

When he gets up, it's so sudden the armchair almost topples over. His entire body is shaking and at this point he's not sure whether it's just fear or also frustration. 

 

They  _ lied  _ to him, about everything he can remember? No, it doesn't seem like them, they'd never--

 

“You have to understand that we had no other choice--” 

 

_ Shut up,  _ he thinks _ ,  _ becoming increasingly more frustrated with every second. There  _ had _ to be another choice, had to--

 

_ Why would they lie? Why would they lie to him about something so important? _

 

_ How could they? _

  
  


“Just let us explain, Jinnie-”

 

_ shut up. _

 

“There wasn't anything we could do-”

 

_ stop. _

 

“We didn't mean to keep this away from you, but--”

 

_ SHUT UP _

 

Something inside of Hyunjin breaks. 

 

“All this time,” he spits out, angry tears filling his eyes. “ _ All this time, you knew. _ And you didn't consider telling me?” It hurts to even think about it, but there's no going back from what they just told him. 

 

Someone calls out to him as he turns to leave, fingers barely ghosting over his shoulder before he summons an energy shield, effectively pushing the person away. 

 

Betrayal feels like an understatement right now. His whole chest is on fire, pain burning through his veins and his entire being, sending him spiraling even deeper into his anger. His best friends, his  _ family _ , have been lying to him for  _ two years,  _ about quite possibly the most important thing in his life. The thought alone, of them never even  _ mentioning it _ , makes the tears spill over his cheeks, burning hot on his skin. 

 

Hyunjin's magic runs hot, lines of fire running up his arms and accumulating around his fists. It hurts, almost like he was touching metal that laid in the sun for too long, but it at least distracted him from the heartbreak he was feeling. The pendulum, on the other hand, feels icy cold in his pockets. He fights the urge to throw it away. 

 

He doesn't walk far after he leaves, no, he collapses on a sidewalk, burying his head in his hands, allowing himself to wallow in misery for a while. Out of all people, he didn't expect  _ them  _ to do that.

 

As expected, he isn't left alone for long. He  _ feels _ someone approaching before he sees them, the energy calm and familiar. 

 

“Fuck off, Chan.” He mumbles weakly, breath hitching and lungs constricting as he tries to keep himself from sobbing. 

 

“You have to understand, Hyunjin--” Chan starts, voice soft and filled with worry. There already is a protective shield over him -- Woojin's magic -- and thankfully, because when Hyunjin slams his fist on the pavement, it sends sparks flying towards him. 

 

“What is there to understand?” Hyunjin grits out through clenched teeth, staring at the ground in rage. “You  _ lied _ to me, about everything I've ever known! Is that what families do, Chan?” 

 

Guilt flashes across Chan's features,  but so briefly he almost misses it. He kneels on the wet ground in front of Hyunjin, looking just as calm as he always does. They stare at each other for a while, the older with that soft, compassionate look in his eyes and-- _goddamn,_ Hyunjin looks away in defeat, all anger leaving him. No matter what they do, he can't bring himself to feel any sort of resentment towards them. 

 

“You've lied to me about everything I know,” he whispers, grief sitting heavy in his chest, making his breathing stutter. “What am I supposed to do, now?” 

 

Chan just stares at him, troubled. For the first time in ages, he seems at loss for words. “You… have to understand that we had no other choice,” he starts, looking as if he just remembered something bad. “It was either that, or...”

 

He doesn't finish. Hyunjin's throat feels dry all of sudden as he sees the look on Chan's face. It's full of fear and sorrow, and perhaps it means that they really had no other way.

 

Both of them go quiet for a minute.

 

“You do know that I have to get my memories back, right? I can't turn back now.” The younger says, voice unstable and hands trembling. His magic has since faded, but his entire body still feels uncomfortably warm and his arms are sore. 

 

“I know, and I trust that you will be able to get them back,” Chan smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He places a careful hand on Hyunjin's shoulder. “But you have to promise me, that-- that whatever happens, you're going to be careful. And… no matter what, please remember to put yourself first.”

 

The urgency in his voice unsettles Hyunjin -- Chan won't be stopping him, but somehow, it feels like his endeavor might be more dangerous than he initially thought. 

 

Nevertheless, he has to do it. If not for himself, then for the faceless boy from his memories. 

 

“I promise.” He smiles at the other, although it feels a little shaky. They both stand up, and stare at each other in silence that's only mildly awkward. 

 

“I'm sorry, Jinnie.”

  
  
  
  
  



	2. ii

For a few weeks everything is a blur; he briefly meets up with his brothers again to hear their apologies, and while everything should be fine, Hyunjin doesn't have it in him to fully forgive them, just yet. He spends most of his time by himself, trying so desperately to forget about everything, because maybe if he pretends nothing is happening for long enough it'll become reality. 

 

He can only pretend for so long, because every night when he falls asleep, he's bombarded with more memories -- and every single one makes less and less sense than the previous. At one point, he's unsure whether these really are memories; he  _ feels _ , more than he sees or hears anything. A presence, a wave of energy. It doesn't bring him any closer to finding out about who the boy was. 

 

When he's finally ready to face his brothers again, they refuse to speak about it. They act like nothing ever happened, and as much as Hyunjin doesn't want to admit, it feels better off this way. He goes out, and listens to enough of Woojin's rambling and Minho's jokes that for a while, everything feels alright.

 

But, every evening where he comes back to his empty apartment, when he's by himself again, when the lights dim and the noises fade, all that's left is the loneliness; seeping into his bones, like icy chains wedged between his ribs, squeezing mercilessly. His entire being, down to his very soul feels  _ cold _ , grieving and missing a person he's doesn't even remember. 

 

The only memories he has are very vague --  a brief flash of a smile, a hushed murmur of a voice, the faintest touch of magic that's painfully familiar, yet he can't quite recognize it. It pains him deeply, because the connection is still  _ here _ ; glowing weakly within his chest but impossible to find the source of.  

 

Bean slithers closer to him, as if sensing Hyunjin's distress, and curls up over his shoulders, body impossibly warm. 

 

“What do I do?” He whispers, eyes burning with tears. The snake stares back at him, crimson eyes wise beyond its years. _ You know what to do _ , it replies, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. 

 

The pendulum. Hyunjin could probably break the barrier, dive deep into the memories, use the magic emanating from it as a guide, and, hopefully… learn about what happened. Learn about the boy, learn about why the others are so hesitant to talk about it. He almost turns to the snake to ask another question, but Hyunjin fears he already knows all the answers. 

 

But, before he does that, he still needs to talk to a few people. 

  
  
  
  
  


“What do you need to know?” Felix asks, leaning back into the couch with his arms crossed over his chest. Despite the flat look on his face, his eyes are soft and full of worry. The boy is one of the first people Hyunjin can remember -- but they've obviously known each other incredibly well; sometimes it feels like Felix can read his mind

 

Hyunjin ponders over the question for a little while, rubbing the pendulum between his fingers idly. “Can you tell me something about him?” 

 

He needs something,  _ anything _ , any piece of information he can connect to what he already has, anything to feel a bit closer to him. 

Felix huffs a quiet laugh, regarding Hyunjin with a fond look. “He was… a mess,” he chuckles, eyes sparkling in a way that say he's remembering something funny. “Always made fun of us and then complained about being made fun of later. Probably spent all his money on buying snacks and coffee for me and Chan.” 

 

The look on his face signals he's not entirely present, right now -- he's somewhere else, remembering how everything used to be, but, oddly enough, he looks happy. 

 

When Hyunjin simply hums in response, he starts speaking again. “His magic was different, too; it was  _ dark _ . Not in a bad way, but… scared the shit out of us all the first time we saw it,” he laughs again, but this time it's more bittersweet. “But he'd never do anything bad with it, he was just too nice. One of the sweetest people I knew.” 

 

He stops speaking for a while, and when he looks at Hyunjin again, there's something impossibly sad in his eyes; a wound that still hasn't healed after all this time. 

 

“You know, he really loved you. More than anything.” 

 

Hyunjin nods, because there isn't anything else that he can do. It feels like he can still remember the heartbreak, separated from all his memories, but a constant feeling he's had for as long as he can remember. He grips the pendulum tighter, and it feels warmer than usual. 

 

“And he always had the damn thing with him,” Felix adds, nodding his head towards the pendulum with a fond smile. “I'm glad Innie managed to find it.”

 

Hyunjin smiles back at him, hiding it back beneath his hoodie. Bean slithers onto his shoulders, head resting calmly in the crook of his neck. Oddly enough, the snake feels really comfortable with the energy of the crystal; usually it's more uneasy around new things. 

 

They spend around an hour talking like that, Felix reminiscing about their past and Hyunjin acting like he remembers being a part of it. Right before the other gets up to leave, he realised he still has a very big favor to ask for. 

 

“I'm going to need your help soon. All of you.” He says, worry forming a knot in his stomach already. Felix raises his eyebrows in question, concern clear on his face. “Yeah, Jinnie?”

 

“I'm gonna have to go back,” Hyunjin starts, rubbing his arm nervously. “As in, like, go to the river. And… leave my body. I'm going to need you there, just in case.” 

 

Felix looks at him for a few seconds, biting down in his bottom lip in contemplation. He's quiet, uncomfortably so, and Hyunjin considers taking it all back.

 

It's not like the journey would be a difficult or a dangerous one -- while going to alternate universes and far away magical realms is not a problem for someone like Jeongin, leaving one's body and letting their soul wander, especially with the help of something magical like the pendulum, is not that difficult. 

 

“Okay.” He breathes out eventually and Hyunjin visibly sags in relief. “If you're going to do it, that's the least we can do..”

 

After exchanging goodbyes, Felix leaves and Hyunjin is alone again. It's odd, how he's never felt loneliness in the two years that he's been living there, but now, knowing that he wasn't always like that, it feels like a piece of him is missing. Going out onto the balcony, he makes sure to grab his tarot deck on the way. There's something he needs to do. 

 

He sits down on the tiled surface, places his cards before him, and takes the pendulum off. The weight of it around his neck was oddly comforting, and not having it on just adds to the loneliness. 

 

Hyunjin looks out into the city lights and focuses on his breathing as he shuffles the cards, the weight in his hands familiar. He concentrates on the hazy memories of the boy, the energy from the pendulum, the goal he has in mind. The shuffling takes more time than usual, but he needs to be  _ sure. _ He splits the deck into a few piles, and then draws 3 cards, for a past, present, future spread. 

 

He lifts up the first card, the past -- Five of Cups, upright. The cloaked figure on the card is staring solemnly at three fallen over cups, two that are still full standing behind them. The empty cups symbolize loss and grief, something that Hyunjin is perfectly familiar with. The full ones, however, are a sign that perhaps not all is lost and something can be done to salvage it. In front of the person, a river runs, separating them from a building in the distance that could be seen as a house.

 

It doesn't come as a surprise to Hyunjin -- he's already figured out that something must've happened after he lost the boy, and it seems like something else happened that separated Hyunjin from the rest of the boys. 

 

Now, for the present -- Ten of Swords, reversed. The card shows a figure struck by ten swords, laying face down on the ground. Everything around them is eerily still; the water before them, the black sky, even the rising sun in the east. When upward, the card indicates a major change, an unexpected tragedy that might even come with a sense of betrayal. The reverse indicates that Hyunjin has already hit rock bottom - it will not get any worse than this. 

 

Of course, Hyunjin knows that it might not be the best card to pull in his situation. It does tell him, however, that once all the grief and the heartbreak passes, there will be nothing left. This is an opportunity to move on from that, to make it all better; it's quite hopeful in his opinion.

 

Before he turns the future card, he takes a second to calm his shaking hands, but seeing it brings a bitter smile to his face. 

 

Death, upright. 

 

Hyunjin focuses on the card for a second, the skeleton wearing an armor on top of a white horse, wielding a flag. As intimidating as it might look at first, he's actually relieved to see it. Death is an essential part of life, and so is change - which is what the card symbolizes. Death means transition, transformation. It means that something in his life is ending, something is changing and he has to accept it. 

 

That's… not bad,  Hyunjin thinks. He's prepared for a change, whatever it takes. He's ready to remember again. 

 

He sits there, thinking about the reading, until the cold from the tiles seeps into his bones and the neon lights in the distance become a blurry mess of colors.  Slowly, he gathers his cards back, puts the pendulum back on and leaves the balcony. 

 

As satisfied as he was with the reading, there is a niggling feeling in the back of his mind, saying that something's  _ off _ . He's not quite sure what it is, because he's never felt anything like that before but it's not good. As he gets ready for bed it just becomes worse, tight coils of anxiety wrapped around his throat and his lungs. He briefly considers calling one of his friends, but decides against it at the last minute, thinking he'll do it in the morning when he's more calm. 

 

Unfortunately, as soon as he can feel himself fall asleep, his heart drops and the feeling becomes a thousand times worse. 

 

_ “Do you not realize how insanely stupid you sound? You can't do that!” Jisung yells, fists clenched into fists at his sides. They're in the living room of Chan's house, but something about it is off.  _

 

_ “And why do  _ **_you_ ** _ care, all of sudden? It's not like you're the smartest one here!” Hyunjin yells back, but something's wrong--- _

 

_ This is not his voice. It's deeper, rougher than his own and he, himself feels oddly small in front of Jisung-- _

 

_ Then, he realizes. This is not his memory. It's someone else's.  _

 

_ “At least I'm not planning to go on a suicide mission!” Jisung growls, lunging forward. He's stopped by Woojin's arm across his chest. _

 

_ “That's enough,Jisung.” The oldest says, tone of voice leaving no room for arguments.  _

 

_ not-Hyunjin shakes his head in disbelief, taking a step forward. There is a hand on his shoulder, that he recognizes as Chan's. _

 

_ “This is  _ **_my_ ** _ fault, Jisung. And  _ **_I'm_ ** _ the only person that can fix it. And I would rather  _ **_die_ ** _ , than put all of you in danger.” _

 

_ He storms off after that, door slamming behind him.  _

 

_ Then, the memory changes. It becomes a mirage of flickering images -- Jeongin, beaten and battered in a dark alleyway,  Chan with blood streaming down his face, Jisung with magical binds tying him down, Jisung halfway through shifting, body covered in bruises, Jisung laying down on Chan's kitchen table with blood pooling underneath him--- _

  
  


Hyunjin wakes up feeling sick from the anxiety. His chest heaves as he takes in deep breaths, in a feeble attempt to calm himself down. Bean blinks calmly at him from its spot on the pillow next to his head. 

 

This is the first time he ever recalled a memory that wasn't  _ his _ , and something about that is deeply unsettling. 

 

Jisung. 

 

He needs to talk to Jisung,  _ right now _ , just to make sure he is okay.

 

Getting out of bed, all that runs through his head are  _ questions _ . What was  _ his _ fault? What suicide mission? What did  _ he _ do?

 

In 20 minutes he's out of his apartment, his shirt backwards and one shoe untied, almost forgetting to lock the door in hurry. He runs through crowds of people, taking well known shortcuts and paths just to get there as soon as possible, while the memory is still clear in his mind. 

 

He's clinging desperately to what he has, the deep rasp of the boy's voice, the knowledge that he did something ridiculously bad that led them all to the situation at hand. It creates a profile of the boy in his mind, and although it doesn't tell him much, it's enough for now. 

 

_ A suicide mission. _

 

Before Hyunjin can even think more about that, he's in front of Chan's house. Jisung  _ has _ to be there, he always is, and if he doesn't talk to him Hyunjin will actually go crazy. He knocks on the door frantically, trying to catch his breath after running the whole way there.  His heart is pounding, dangerously fast, and the feeling that something's  _ wrong _ has not left him yet, curled over his chest. It feels like he's  _ dying _ , a drowning boy unable to call out for help, and his throat closes up more with every second he stands there and  _ oh, God, he might actually die-- _

 

“Jinnie?” Chan opens the door and looks at him, confusion and concern painfully clear on his face. 

 

“ _ Jisung, _ ” he chokes out in response, voice shakier than he'd anticipated. “Where's Jisung, I need to--”

 

He's on the brink of hyperventilating and he hasn't felt anything like that before, the only thing he can focus on being the fight and the images he saw, and he has no idea  _ why _ it's scaring him so much but he looks into his brother's eyes, utterly helpless and lost, and doesn't see anything past worry. 

 

“Why? What's going on, Hyunjin?” Gentle hands grab him by the shoulders and carefully pull him inside, the food closing behind them with a soft click. Chan's scared eyes dart around his face, looking for an answer to his sudden outburst. 

 

“ _ Please,  _ I need to--,” Hyunjin almost cries, trembling hand grabbing the older boy's arm, staring at him with urgency. His chest is constricting and his heart shows no signs of slowing down and he feels like  _ maybe it's just going to stop beating altogether. _

 

“Jinnie,  _ it's okay _ , “ Chan reassures him, grabbing the hand that's currently squeezing his arm like a vice. “It's okay. I'm gonna go get Jisung in a second, but first I'm gonna need you to breathe and calm down, can you do that for me?”

 

Hyunjin's trying, he  _ really _ is, to focus on getting his breathing under control, on Chan's hands on his own, but his heart is about to beat out of his chest and his mind is flashing with the same gruesome memories, over and over again,  _ Jisung with magical binds tying him down, Jisung halfway through shifting, body covered in bruises, Jisung laying down on Chan's kitchen table with blood pooling underneath him, Jisung-- _

 

“Hyunjinnie.” Chan's voice is a bit louder now and somehow, it manages to break through the haze. “It's okay. Whatever it is-  _ it's okay _ . We'll fix it. But I'm gonna need you to calm down first, yeah?” 

 

Chan's squeezing both of his hands and reminding him to breathe and the pendulum is burning hot against his skin and he's pushing the memories into the back of his mind for the time being--

 

Hyunjin's okay. For now, at least. 

 

“I'm… sorry, Chan,” he mutters once he's calm, ears burning hot from embarrassment as he squeezes the older's hands back. The fear that was holding his chest before has lessened significantly,  but he still  _ needs _ to talk to Jisung. 

 

Chan ruffles his hair fondly, but his eyes still show concern. He looks at Hyunjin for a few seconds more, as if to make sure he's okay, before he speaks. “Do you… want to tell me what happened? Before you talk to Jisung.”

 

Suddenly nervous, Hyunjin thinks for a few seconds, biting his lip. His mind briefly flashes to the image of wounded Chan with blood all over him.  

 

“I saw a… memory,” he begins quietly, holding the pendulum away from his skin as he's pretty sure it's about to burn a hole in his flesh. “And I just… I need to talk to him about it.” 

 

Something flashes in Chan's eyes - concern, confusion,  _ fear _ \- and he stiffens visibly. No words are spoken between them as they move towards the living room, and Hyunjin immediately feels regret surge through his body. 

 

Once in the living room, Chan seems even more tense. Jisung is curled up on the couch, leaning against Minho's shoulder. His head shoots up once they come in, wide eyes betraying his neutral facade. “Everything okay?” He asks, staring at Chan worriedly. 

 

“We need to talk, Sung. Like, right now.” Hyunjin blurts out, voice sounding strained. Chan pats his back once and moves to sit next to Minho just as Jisung gets up and follows Hyunjin into his bedroom. 

 

_ Jisung with magical binds tying him down, Jisung halfway through shifting, body covered in bruises, Jisung laying down on Chan's kitchen table with blood pooling underneath him--- _

 

“What the fuck did you do?” Is the first thing Hyunjin says once they're alone. His mind is reeling once again and he paces around the room, completely ignoring the stunned expression on Jisung's face. 

 

The shapeshifter shakes his head in disbelief. “What the  _ hell _ are you talking about?”

 

Hyunjin stops abruptly, and tries to point an accusatory finger at Jisung, but his hands shake too badly. “You said he was going on a suicide mission,” he grits his teeth, not missing the shock flashing over Jisung's features. “I saw you-- I saw you two arguing, and I saw you, and Chris, and Innie, all broken and bleeding, I saw you,  _ dying  _ on the goddamn kitchen table--” 

 

“Jinnie,” Jisung interrupts him, hands held up in front of him in a defensive stance once he notices how worked up Hyunjin is getting. “It's okay.  _ I'm  _ okay. We all are.” 

 

They sit down, on the floor facing each other, and Hyunjin grabs his hand in a pathetic attempt to ground himself, to reassure that Jisung  _ dying _ was in the past and that he's here, in person, alive. “Explain,” he demands, but there isn't any force behind it.

 

“It all started maybe a few months before he… y'know,” Jisung starts, drawing patterns on the floor with his free hand, gaze heavy. “Weird things started happening. Nightmares, readings that showed nothing, this overall feeling of anxiety that would follow us  _ everywhere _ . It got to the point where we wouldn't even talk to each other, or we'd fight to death.”

 

Jisung continues. “We… thought it was going to stop, but it just got worse and worse, and… he said it was his fault. Kept talking about how it had followed him from his hometown, and how he needs to do something about it,” he looks at Hyunjin with a bitter smile on his face. “And I think you can imagine how talking to him about it went. He was  _ stupid _ , thinking he has to do it alone. He couldn't.”

 

When they lock eyes again, Jisung's are filled with tears and he squeezes Hyunjin's hand tighter. “It ended up killing him, in the end. All it took to defeat it, was all of us together. But he never even considered it.” 

 

“What about you?” Hyunjin asks, unable to forget the horrific images. 

 

Jisung looks at him for a few seconds, eyes blank, before he realizes. “Me? Oh, that--” he rubs the back of his neck nervously, letting out a sigh. “I tried to stop him.” 

 

Hyunjin's heart drops, and he squeezes Jisung's hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “I'm sorry.”

 

The shapeshifter flashes him a smile and leans forward, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin. 

 

“It's okay, Jinnie. We're going to be okay.”   

 

They stay like that for was seems like forever, before Minho hesitantly opens the door and tells Jisung that Woojin wants to speak to him. Once the shapeshifter leaves, the oldest of the three of them crosses the room and sits down on the bed, looking at Hyunjin with an unreadable expression on his face.

 

Hyunjin decides to speak, knowing that out of all of them, Minho wouldn't keep lying to him.

 

_ Right? _

 

“Minho?”

 

“Hm?”  

 

“Why won't any of you talk to me?” Hyunjin asks, feeling timid all of sudden. He drops his gaze to the floor, focusing on the patterns in the wood. It's a stupid question, he knows, but after all that happened -- why are they still so silent? Why does Chan become tense and quiet after anything related to the  _ incident _ happens? Why doesn't Woojin look him in the eye some days? 

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Minho shift nervously.  “They're scared.” 

 

Hyunjin lets out a short laugh, slowly growing frustrated. “It's not like talking about it will make it any worse.”

 

Minho doesn't reply, and when Hyunjin looks up at him, his eyes are dark, the look on his face scarily blank. He shakes his head, leaning forward, elbows resting on his thighs. “You don't know that.” His voice is uncharacteristically quiet. 

 

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks, eyebrows furrowed. It just makes less sense the more he thinks - why won't Minho just  _ tell _ him?

 

The older sighs, dropping down on the floor next to Hyunjin. They look at each other in complete silence for a few moments, each second making Hyunjin grow more and more frustrated. “We've already gone through this once before,” Minho sighs, shrugging. “We almost lost you, okay? I don't think any of us want to go through that again.”

 

It doesn't come as a big surprise to Hyunjin; at this point, nothing really would. But it does spark something negative within his chest again. “So you want to keep lying and hope for the best?” 

 

“Jinnie, you know that's not the case.” The older retorts, placing his hand on Hyunjin's back comfortingly. “We just want you to be safe, most importantly. And we know that once you get your memories back, you might try doing something dangerous.” It sounds like he's speaking from experience, and Hyunjin drops his head, exhausted. 

 

He wishes it could all go back to normal. 

 

“I'm so tired,” he whispers, defeated. “It feels like we'll never be the same again. It feels like you all don't trust me anymore.”

 

Minho sighs again, and pulls Hyunjin close, resting his chin on the top of the younger boy's head. “I'm sorry we kept this from you for so long,” he starts, carding his fingers through Hyunjin's hair. “All of this -- it's on us. It's our fault. But we'll fix it. We'll be okay.”

 

Now slightly more hopeful, Hyunjin doesn't say anything else. He didn't hear what he wanted to, but if Minho's right (and he probably is), then he can understand why they're so hesitant. If they really did  _ almost lose him _ at one point, then… it would make sense they want to prevent it from happening again. 

 

After a long silence, Hyunjin speaks again because there's still one more thing he needs to get off his chest. 

 

“You know, I keep seeing him,” he mutters, not daring to look up at Minho, but the arms tightening around him say enough. “In my dreams. Never his face, but… it starting to feel something is missing. And I don't even know  _ anything _ about him, I don't remember anything past the few things I've dreamed about, but--” his voice cracks and he stops talking, pendulum ice cold on his skin. 

 

“I know,” Minho whispers, petting his hair slowly. “I miss him, too.” 

Hyunjin, oddly enough, feels more at peace that he has in days, the only thing still bothering him being the way his two oldest friends are acting -- Chan and Woojin aren't like  _ that _ , they don't  _ lie _ , don't hide, they're not that anxious and tense around him. 

 

Almost as if he's reading his mind, Minho speaks. “I'll talk to Chan,” he suggests, briefly squeezing Hyunjin even tighter. “I don't-- I don't think he realizes how much it affects you.”

 

Mumbling a quiet thanks, Hyunjin pulls away a little, looking the older in the eye. Minho has always been good at speaking, giving advice,  _ not lying _ , which makes talking to him twice as  comfortable and ten times as rewarding. “Do you think I'm doing the right thing?” He asks, needing to reassure himself. 

 

Minho huffs out a quiet laugh, looking at him fondly. “I think you already know the answer.” 

 

Another thing Minho happens to be very good at is being unnecessarily cryptic.

  
  


They don't speak about anything related to the situation for the next few weeks, but there is a clear change in the way the others act. It's almost like nothing ever happened; but there is still underlying tension, like a storm quietly brewing.  Hyunjin doesn't want to know when the peace will stop, because he knows it's not going to be a good experience. 

 

Hyunjin spends every evening trying to break the barrier that's keeping everything in the pendulum -- he works himself out to the point of magic induced migraines every single time, but there seems to be progress and he's willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. He's not entirely sure how much that will help him in getting his own memories back, but figures that, since there  _ is _ a connection between him and the boy, perhaps it can be of use. As tedious as it is, he  _ needs _ to be able to access the magic trapped in the crystal in order to use it as a guide. 

 

But, after days upon  _ days _ of no progress whatsoever, Hyunjin is beginning to grow impatient. He's sitting on the floor of his bedroom, and he's absolutely  _ exhausted _ . He's spent the past hour attempting to transfer all his magic into the crystal to break whatever invisible wall was stopping him, with no use. It's been  _ so long _ since he had made any changes, and at this point, on his nth night in a row, eyes watering from the blinding pain in his skull; he's either going to give up, or try to push himself even further  _ just so he could get some results. _

 

Of course, being him, Hyunjin attempts to push even further. 

 

He focuses all of his remaining strength on the wall he had envisioned in his mind, and pushes against the pressure in his head, and as his whole body shakes and his skull threatens to split open--

 

The wall smashes into pieces. In his mind, he hears a faint whisper, something from another memory, before his back hits the hardwood floor and everything goes black. 

 

_ Changbin. My name's Changbin. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments on the previous chapter!! come get yall smooches <3 
> 
> side note:the deck hyunjin uses is the original rider waite one and that's what im basing my descriptions on!


	3. iii

When Hyunjin opens his eyes, he's hit with an odd sense of déjà vu -- everything is foggy, his head feels filled with cotton, and he's not quite sure where he is. He can't quite move his limbs, but he can faintly feel where his fist is curled around the pendulum; his hand feels off, shaky and detached from his body.

 

There's a loud ringing in his ears, and his vision is blurry, but there's a hand laying on his face and as the fog slowly clears up, he can make out a face above him.

 

“Jinnie? Talk to me, are you okay?” Woojin is asking him, moving his hair away from his forehead, and there is worry written all over his face and he looks messy; almost as if he ran all the way to Hyunjin's apartment--

 

He has _no_ idea how Woojin even got here, but the question slips away from his mind almost as soon as it appears. Hyunjin shifts slightly, limbs still heavy, and blinks slowly, mouth struggling to form words. There's not much that he remembers before he blacked out, and he figures he might've hit his head on the floor, but there is one thing that stands out in his mind, clear as day. Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he attempts to focus his still unsteady eyes on Woojin's face.

 

“Changbin,” he mutters, voice coming out a breathy whisper. Woojin's hand stills on his face. “His name was Changbin, right?”

 

Someone shifts in the doorway, Hyunjin's brain barely registering the movement. “Yeah.” The person, who he recognizes to be Chan agrees silently, walking over to where the two are on the floor.

 

Once he finds the strength, Hyunjin lifts up the hand holding the pendulum shakily. “I did it,” he mutters tiredly, looking over to where Chan is standing. “I broke the-- whatever that was that didn't let me get into the magic.”

 

Woojin shakes his head in disapproval at that. “But you didn't take care of yourself and probably got a concussion from smashing your head on the floor.”

 

“I'm fine,” Hyunjin argues, and sits up to prove his point, but ends up almost falling over again from the wave of dizziness that overtakes him suddenly. “Just give me a second--”

 

Chan is by his side instantly, hands quickly steadying him. “You need rest. How long has it been since you really slept?” When Hyunjin takes a while to think, he just shakes his head. “You know what, don't answer that. You're gonna give Woojin a heart attack.”

 

Shaking his head like a  petulant child, Hyunjin shakes the hands off him, blinking away the haze from his eyes. “I'm _fine_ ,” he mutters defiantly, attempting to get up once again. “I have to take care of this first, I spent _so long_ \--”

 

He's been working himself to death for the past _weeks_ and now, that he's so _close_ to finally finding out the truth, so close to finally remembering who he used to be, it feels like if he stops, he's gonna lose everything.

 

Even though he feels like he's going to pass out _again_ at any second.

 

“ _Hyunjin_ ,” Chan says firmly, grabbing the younger by the shoulders. In his still mildly exhausted state, Hyunjin can't tell if the other is concerned, or annoyed. “You literally _passed out_ from pushing yourself too hard. You were out for over fifteen minutes. We were sure you were seriously hurt.” His voice is low, and he sounds _disappointed_ , while still maintaining that annoyed edge to it that makes the younger want to hide.

 

Hyunjin feels his lower lip wobble dangerously as his throat tightens. He's still _tired_ , but he's desperate for answers, and his head hurts and he _hates_ worrying the others but especially Chan and Woojin because the others already have so much on their shoulders--

 

“ _Chris, please_ ,” he begs uselessly, voice quiet and thick with tears. The older boy's eyes soften visibly at that and he lets go of Hyunjin's shoulders, one hand carding through his hair slowly.

 

“You're going to sleep now,” Chan says, soft and calm, but leaving no space for arguments. “We're going to stay here to make sure you rest and we'll talk about it when you wake up, okay?”

 

Wiping furiously at his face to get rid of the remaining tears, Hyunjin nods. He lets Woojin guide him gently to his bed and grab the fist that's still clinging onto the pendulum like a lifeline, the older slowly uncurling his fingers and placing the stone on his nightstand. Hyunjin stares at the indents left on the inside of his hand blankly. In the back of his head, he briefly thinks about how much it's making him feel like a child, but his sleep deprived brain doesn't let him dwell on it for too long.

 

“It's okay, Jinnie. Nothing is going to happen if you let yourself rest for one night,” Woojin says right before he leaves the bedroom, a soft smile on his face. “It can wait.”

 

Bean slithers into the room silently, just in time before the door closes and moves toward his bed. When Hyunjin picks the snake up with one hand, it immediately curls up on top of his chest, the familiar presence and the thrum of magic throughout it's body comforting.

 

Casting one last longing glance at the crystal laying on the nightstand, Hyunjin sighs. Somehow, despite being extremely exhausted and feeling it in every part of his body, he's scared to fall asleep. He's scared that once he broke through the shield in the pendulum, the memories will be more vivid. Some part of him yearns for them; wanting to see as many as Changbin's memories, because once he gets his own back, he fears the grief might consume him. The other part is _scared_ , because there _has_ to be a reason no one has told him what happened, and perhaps knowing why might just make everything worse.

 

With the worry still clear in his mind, Hyunjin falls asleep.

 

_Everything hurts. Everything hurts and he's absolutely terrified. There's a iron grip squeezing his throat and ribs, and he's sure at least half of them are broken; he can't move his right arm, every breath sending red hot spikes of pain coursing through his body. Someone's holding his uninjured hand -- but he's in agony, every nerve on fire, so debilitating it makes his head swim._

 

_He's dying. He's sure he is, but the fear makes his chest constrict even more, just bringing more pain. “I don't want to die,” he thinks. “I can't, not now.”_

 

_Still, he musters up the last bits of energy he has left, struggling to keep his eyes open at the person at his side._

 

_“It's okay, Binnie, you're okay, you're going to be okay,” Chan is trying his best to stay strong, but there are tears streaming down his face and his entire body is shaking. “You're okay. Just stay with us.”_

 

_Another person is touching him, cradling his face in his hands, but the hands are cold and shaky, the misty glow of their magic too unstable to actually do anything._

 

_“You're going to be okay,” the person cries, voice bordering on hysterical, and as he slowly looks at them---_

 

_Hyunjin finds himself staring into his own eyes._

 

_And as_ **_real_ ** _as everything feels, as_ **_real_ ** _as the pain and fear are, he knows that this is just another memory that belonged to Changbin; his last one._

 

_“You'll be alright. Just hold on for a bit longer, we're going to fix it, we're--” Chan cries, shaking his head and squeezing his hand even tighter, but he feels so_ **_weak_ ** _and_ **_tired_ ** _and past-Hyunjin's tears are dripping down onto his face and the pain just gets worse and worse-_

 

_The rest of his words fade into white noise, and everything goes black._

 

_Stuck in a dark, silent void, Hyunjin feels the familiar energy once again, and this time, he knows who it is already._

 

_“Please let them know it's not their fault.” Chanbin whispers from behind him, and as Hyunjin tries to turn to face him, everything fades once again._

 

Hyunjin wakes up out of breath, clutching his right arm to his chest as the phantom pain from the memory still lingers. An invisible force is still holding his throat and his ribcage, and he finds himself clawing at his skin even as the door opens and Woojin and Chan run inside. He looks at them pleadingly, but seeing their faces makes something snap inside of him and he promptly bursts into tears.

 

Changbin died in agony, and Hyunjin was not only there when it happened, he also got a chance to feel what _he_ had felt in his last moments.

 

It all explains why Chan would freeze up at any mention of Changbin; he had also seen him, held his hand while he was slowly dying, and the image will forever be burned into Hyunjin's brain; Chan -- always strong, always optimistic, _knowing_ that there's nothing that could be done and yet still reassuring Changbin that they can do something about it, that they can still save him.

 

“I'm sorry,” Hyunjin cries, and he's not sure _why_ he's sorry, but the fear and the pain Changbin had felt in his last moments are still there, they're still vivid and sharp even though he's _here_ , in the present. “He was dying, and I-- I could feel it, a-and he was in so much pain, and _I_ was _there, I saw myself,_ and I could _feel_ him die--”

 

He lets Woojin pull him into his arms and rock them back and forth slowly, even as Hyunjin shakes and keeps stuttering out apologies through the tears. His lungs feel on fire; both from the still lingering soreness and tiny pinpricks of pain all throughout his body, and because of the fact that no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to get enough air in them. The older runs his fingers through his hair, shushing him gently, but stops abruptly when a phone rings in another room.  

 

“It might be Jeongin. Channie, could you..?” Woojin sighs, pulling away to make sure the younger has calmed down, at least a little, before he reluctantly lets go and leaves the room to answer the phone.

 

Hyunjin immediately buries his face in Chan's shoulder; he's significantly calmer now, his breath only hitching every few seconds, but the tears won't stop flowing no matter how hard he tries. “It hurts.” he mumbles, unsure if he means the still present physical pain, or the grief slowly spreading through his chest like thorns.

 

“I know.” Chan replies, voice heavy, as he holds Hyunjin tighter. He rubs large circles into his back, humming softly under his breath to further soothe him. After all that has happened, after all that he's seen -- somehow, he manages to keep being the strongest of them all.

 

Once his tears have finally stopped and all he can feel is the heaviness of his heart and the exhaustion clouding his brain, Hyunjin decides to mention the last thing.

 

“You know, I heard him again.” He mumbles into the fabric of the older boy's shirt, eyelids drooping already.

 

“Yeah?” Chan breathes out, arms tightening around Hyunjin's form slightly.

 

“He said--” his voice cracks, and he clears his throat in order to compose himself. “He said that it's not your fault.”

 

The older doesn't reply, but the shaky breath he takes tells Hyunjin everything he needs to know.  

 

They stay like that until Woojin comes back, phone still in hand. He sits down, next to them, patting Hyunjin's back. “Innie wants to know if he can come over. That is, him and everyone else,” he sighs, but his voice is fond. “They got really worried earlier.”

 

Hyunjin pulls away from Chan, scrubbing his face with his sleeve roughly. “Tell them to come.” he answers, needing the company more than anything right now. “How… how did you know something was wrong?” He asks afterwards, remembering his initial confusion upon waking up after he blacked out.

 

“It's an, uh, a spell that Innie put on all of us a while ago,” Chan explains, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “It lets us know when one of you is in danger.”

 

Humming in response, Hyunjin nods. That's the one thing that he doesn't particularly mind, and he doesn't feel _that_ bad about not knowing. And frankly, he's too tired to even begin feeling _anything_ about it. Although, it seems like he won't be sleeping for a while, until they can make the memories stop. Because as much as he appreciated them, he certainly doesn't appreciate _dying._

 

Not wanting to waste any time while waiting for the rest to arrive, Hyunjin gets up from the bed wordlessly and leaves the room. He can feel the other two follow him silently, as he stumbles to the kitchen and flicks the lightswitch. He opens the cupboards with shaky hands, almost dropping the mug he's trying to take out in the process. Filling the kettle with water and turning it on, Hyunjin finds his mind drifting back to what just happened.

 

Whatever- or whoever it was that Changbin fought, it was so much more powerful than anything he's ever seen. The physical injuries were not the only cause of death and Hyunjin is sure of that; it felt like _so much more_ , and while it was obviously magical damage, it's hard for him to understand who could've done something like that.

 

And, as if on command, searing hot pain shoots up his right arm once again, making him gasp sharply and cradle it to his chest protectively. Tears fill his eyes once again as he tries to breathe through it, hunched over and shaky. He doesn't know- doesn't understand _why_ he has to go through all of this; if the memories weren't enough, now he has to _live_ through it.

 

"What is it? What's wrong?" Woojin asks, appearing by his side in an instant. He reaches out to touch Hyunjin's arm, but stops when the younger recoils with a muffled cry.

 

He doesn't miss the worried glance Woojin shares with Chan. Quite frankly, he's beginning to feel sick of making everyone feel this way.

 

" _Jinnie,"_ the older says, a bit more forcefully now, reaching out for him again. "Let me see, so I can help you."

 

Filled with uncertainty, Hyunjin slowly extends his arm, and is shocked to see what it looks like. Black lines run over the skin, looking like they were drawn with charcoal but feeling like fresh burns; they wrap all over his arm, from his palm, up to his elbow, disappearing under the sleeve of his shirt. They throb in pain, getting worse with every second that he looks at it, and he sways on his feet slightly; it's making him lightheaded.

 

Woojin steadies him with a hand around his waist, moving them both to sit at the kitchen table. "You're okay. I'll help you, just give me a second," he mutters, easing Hyunjin into the chair and kneeling in front of him. He takes his wrist in his hand gently, quietly apologizing when the younger hisses in pain.

 

The kitchen is soon filled with warm light as Woojin's hands begin to glow, and Hyunjin braces himself for what's about to come; he already had the pleasure of experiencing the healing magic in action.

 

As the older places his hands directly on the black lines, Hyunjin has to bite back a scream, breathing heavily through his nose as he watches the ceiling with tears trickling from the corners of his eyes. The pain has increased tenfold once the magic made contact with his arm, but slowly decreases the more Woojin runs his hands over it.  

 

"All good now." He breathes out after the glow fades, getting up and sitting next to Hyunjin, who stares at his arm wordlessly. The black lines are gone, but they left behind red marks; almost like his skin really got burned. He's oddly intrigued by it; but even more so by the nature of them. He understands the memories, to a certain extent -- they must've had some sort of connection, and having the pendulum near him probably triggered it.

 

But this? This is even more odd.

 

He shakes his head at that, startling slightly when Chan places a mug in front of him -- he hadn't even noticed the older getting up.

 

Hyunjin visibly relaxes upon seeing what's inside; Chan really knows him well.  It's tea made from a plant he _cannot_ ever remember the name of -- only found in one alternate realm, with glowing silver flowers, known for it's calming properties as well as acting as a sedative when ingested in large doses. Not only that, but the older also put a protective spell on it, just to reassure Hyunjin and make sure he's going to feel better.

 

"Thanks," he says, looking up at Chan with a weak smile. The older smiles back, opening his mouth to answer, when someone knocks on the door and forces him to go answer it.

 

Or rather, multiple someones pound on the door. Very loudly.

 

Soon, the kitchen is filled with _noise_ , as the five boys slowly pour in from the front door. Hyunjin gives them a weak wave, sipping the tea slowly; it spreads warmth through his body, effectively muting the loud shriek of grief that makes itself present every time he thinks about what happened.

 

"Jinnie," Jisung whines, basically throwing himself onto the boy's lap dramatically. "You almost gave us all a heart attack."

 

Hyunjin sends him an apologetic wince in response and tries to ignore the guilt creeping up his throat.

 

"Are you okay?" Seungmin asks from where he's sitting on the countertop, frowning.

 

There's not nearly enough space for eight boys in Hyunjin's small apartment, he thinks, distracted. They're all crowded around the kitchen table, that is, except for Woojin who's still sitting next to him, and Jisung, currently with all his limbs wrapped around Hyunjin awkwardly.

 

But somehow, it feels _right._

 

"I'm…" Hyunjin licks his lips nervously, thinking.  "I will be."

 

_As long as I'm not alone, I will be._

 

None of the boys seem ecstatic at that, but he sees worry leave their eyes, just a bit, and it's enough.

 

After Hyunjin downs the rest of his tea, they move to the living room. It's not as small as the kitchen, but not many spaces are large enough to contain all of them, especially when they're practically vibrating with questions they can't ask. As per usual, they end up squished next to each other on the couch; Hyunjin sandwiched between Jisung and Felix, with Seungmin, Jeongin and Woojin next to them. Minho and Chan, since they walked into the room last, end up sitting on the carpet so that they can still face the rest.

 

"Are we going to find out what happened, or..?" Jeongin asks softly, fiddling with the collar of his shirt. Guilt flashes in his eyes; the younger is very obviously blaming himself for everything -- he was the one who found Changbin's pendulum, after all.

 

Hyunjin shares an uncertain glance with Chan, the older giving him a very clear choice to talk about it, or not. As he takes in a deep breath, feels Felix grab his hand in encouragement. "You are, Innie. Just… not now, okay?" He tries to smile at the boy, but it comes out unsure and a little shaky.

 

Their youngest doesn't seem convinced, but the tense line of his shoulders relaxes slightly.

 

No one asks anymore questions after that, but the tension in the room is still there. Someone turns on the TV to break the awkward silence, and soon they fall into a light, but equally as awkward conversation. Once no eyes are on them, Hyunjin feels someone run their fingers over the raised lines on his right arm; they're still sore and he winces in discomfort.

 

"Does it hurt?" Jisung whispers into his ear, head leaning on his shoulder. Hyunjin turns his head to look at him, and shakes his head. "Not anymore."

 

The other boy sighs in response, worried eyes flickering back and forth between Hyunjin's face and his arm. "I'm sorry."

 

Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Hyunjin is only mildly shocked to see recognition on Jisung's face as he runs his fingers up and down his arm.  

 

Knowing him, Jisung has probably figured everything out himself, somehow. So he doesn't answer, just nods and leans more against Jisung, focusing his eyes on the TV to distract himself from breaking down once again.

 

The conversation dies down eventually, due to both the awkwardness and the late hour; Jeongin is fast asleep, sprawled across Woojin and Seungmin, the other two dozing off silently. Chan is laying flat on the carpet, eyes closed but it's hard to tell if he's asleep. And if the dead weight and soft snores from both his sides aren't obvious, Hyunjin assumes that Felix and Jisung are out as well.

 

Part of Hyunjin feels guilty for making them all so worried and making them all come to his apartment -- it's late, and all of them were most likely busy, and he wishes he could stop making everyone worried or sad for him.

 

Another part is _exhausted._ The little sleep he actually got didn't do anything besides traumatize Hyunjin, and as soon as he feels himself drifting off against Felix's shoulder, he will himself to wake up, shaking his head and blinking a few times.

 

As careful as he possibly can, he disentangles himself from the mess of limbs, slowly moving around on the parts of the floor he knows _don't_ creak, and walks through the balcony door, that someone mysteriously left cracked open. Perhaps the cold air will make him more awake.

 

The bright lights of the city blind him momentarily, as he stares at them without blinking; in the back of his mind, he briefly wishes he could see the stars, but Seoul's too polluted for that. Maybe someday he'll be able to.

 

Hyunjin finds himself shivering involuntarily when the wind picks up, ruffling the thin shirt he's wearing. There's people talking in the distance below him, and he focuses on the hushed echo of their conversation to keep his mind from wandering again. He can't quite figure out what they're talking about, something about enchanted food and friendship compatibility with dragons, but it's enough to keep him awake _and_ amused.

 

The amount of focus required to keep him awake and standing up makes it impossible for him to detect that someone has just walked up behind him, and a gasp of surprise leaves him when a warm arm suddenly wraps around his shoulders.

 

"Hi." Minho chuckles quietly in his ear and Hyunjin stands still for a moment, his brain not registering that he didn't, in fact, see Minho in the living room and therefore, the older is awake. "Aren't you cold?"

 

Hyunjin makes a vague noise in the back of his throat, shrugging. He realizes belatedly, that since the two of them are alone, Minho might try to talk to him about _everything_ and, to be honest, Hyunjin _really_ doesn't feel like crying anymore because it's a big inconvenience _and_ it's just going to tire him out even more.  "You should be sleeping." He mumbles, voice hoarse and tired.

 

Minho blinks at him, smile still curling the corners of his lips. "And what about you?"

 

"I'm not tired." Hyunjin shrugs again, frowning when he hears the older laugh at him softly.

 

"Come on," Minho says, grabbing his hand and slowly leading them back inside. "You're going to get sick if you keep standing here."

 

Without the energy to protest, Hyunjin lets himself be dragged back to his bedroom, stepping carefully as to avoid waking everyone else up. Minho's hand is warm around his and he silently wonders what the other has in mind, because he seems dead set on making Hyunjin sleep again.

 

The bedroom is silent, uncomfortably so, and the energy that seems to coat the walls like thick oil, suffocating and overbearing. Hyunjin tries to get rid of it, doing his best to focus and conjure his magic, but he just ends up having to sit down on his bed to avoid falling over.

 

Minho walks over to every wall of the room, and runs his fingers over them. The formed sigils glow icy blue, and slowly dissipate, leaving the room freezing cold, but whatever was lingering in there seems to be gone now.

 

"Now," the older breathes out, turning to Hyunjin calmly, hands in his pockets. "Are you still not tired? Because I could help you."

 

Hyunjin stares at him in silence, turning the offer over and over in his mind. The sleep deprivation must be taking a toll on him, because he finds himself losing track of his thoughts somewhere along the way, and he opens and closes his mouth, trying to form an appropriate response.

 

"I'll take that as a yes?" Minho grins at him, walking closer to Hyunjin when the younger nods slowly. His eyes are already glowing, the same icy blue light that formed the sigils on the walls, and when he places both of his hands on Hyunjin's face, it sends a chill down his spine.

 

Hyunjin grimaces as he feels the intrusion, but doesn't fight it. Normally, letting _anyone_ get into your mind is a horrible idea; they could take away or replace memories, disconnect you from your body, sometimes even take all of your magic abilities away. But he trusts Minho with his life.

 

Minho frowns, the tips of his fingers freezing against Hyunjin's face, force of his magic buzzing around the younger's skull.  He looks deep in thought, but the more he concentrates, the louder it becomes, white noise threatening to split his head open with its intensity.

 

It stops abruptly just as Hyunjin is about to open his mouth to whine from the pain. Minho stares at him worriedly, eyes now back to their usual color. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

 

"You didn't," Hyunjin reassures, smiling weakly. "What did you do?"

 

Patting his cheek once more before pulling back, Minho sits on the bed, watching Hyunjin intently. "Blocked off your memories temporarily. You won't be seeing anything in your dreams, but you might also not remember what happened today."

 

Hyunjin shrugs. "I can live with that."

 

The older laughs at that, eyes warm. "Then you better sleep and not wake up for _at least_ 12 hours," he says, waiting for Hyunjin to lay down, leaning back. "You look like you're about to pass out."

 

"That's because I am." Hyunjin mumbles incoherently into his pillow, eyes falling closed the second  Minho runs a hand through his hair, whispering a small "it's going to be fine."

 

Feeling _safe_ for the first time in a long while, Hyunjin falls asleep almost immediately and, surely enough, there aren't any memories that appear; something else happens instead.

 

He feels the telltale tug, somewhere beneath his sternum, as his soul is ripped from his body and the environment shifts rapidly as if he was on a rollercoaster. It startles him momentarily, seeing as he hasn't experienced anything like that in a very long time, but it feels oddly secure, and he knows that if he needed to, he could go back to his body any moment. Still, he chooses not to.

  


Wherever his soul is now, it's dark, so dark he has no idea _what_ it is; he can't tell if it's a room, or if it's an open space. The silence is deafening - without a body, he can't even hear his own heartbeat. The situation would be a whole lot less terrifying, if it wasn't for the fact that he seems frozen, unable to move his limbs or to turn his head.

 

So he waits. For how long, he has no idea because time isn't real wherever he is. Eventually, the silence is broken.

 

"I'm sorry you have to keep seeing these things," Changbin sighs, voice gruff. His voice seems to be coming from behind Hyunjin.

"If I could do that earlier, I'd have warned you."

 

Hyunjin doesn't reply for a while, struggling to find his voice in this situation -- does that mean Changbin is _alive_ , somewhere in a reality that's not theirs? If this really is _him_ , who brought his soul there, _him_ who's speaking right now-

 

Maybe, just maybe, there's  a possibility.

 

"Well," Hyunjin breathes out, voice coming out shakier than he wants. "It's too late to do anything about it now, isn't it?"

 

A bitter chuckle from his right. "Yeah, I guess it is."

 

It's mildly overwhelming, knowing that just moments earlier, Hyunjin experienced the other's death and _now,_ he finally has the ability to talk to him; and yet, all rational thoughts manage to leave him. He stays still, in the silent void and tries to say something, _anything_ to make the meeting worthwhile.

 

"I wish I could keep you here longer," Changbin sighs, before Hyunjin even has to chance to open his mouth. "But I don't have nearly as much power as I used to have."

 

"You can always bring me back here the next time," Hyunjin suggests timidly, _really_ wishing he could move his body. "If there is going to be a next time, that is."

 

The other laughs then, the sound filling Hyunjin's entire being with warmth. "What, you missed me that much?"

 

Hyunjin shakes his head, without really knowing if Changbin can see him. "Of course," he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world, glossing over the fact that he doesn't remember _enough_ about Changbin to miss hin. "Everyone does."

 

Silence falls over them for what feels like forever.

 

"I miss them too." Changbin whispers, voice heavy. "More than anything."

 

Then, the tug on his soul becomes present again, and Hyunjin can feel himself getting farther and farther away. In the back of his mind, he silently wishes he could fight it, to try and stay a bit longer, but this realm has different rules. If it works purely on Changbin's energy, then it falls apart the second he lacks it.

 

"Before you go," Changbin calls out, a hint of a smile present in his voice. "Please tell Jisung that what he did was utterly _dumb_ and if I wasn't dead, I'd beat him up for risking himself like this."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading another chapter and thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments on the previous ones!!! they mean the most to me!!
> 
>  
> 
> chapter 4 may or may not be the last chapter, there might be a 5th one if i keep writing as much as i do now; we'll see
> 
> and, chapter 4 might take a while to get posted, because the school year is ending and i need to make sure i pass all my classes so im sorry in advance if it takes a while!!


	4. iv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be the last chapter but uhhhhhhh
> 
> its very messy. I'm Sorry

The encounter with Changbin leaves Hyunjin feeling better than he had in ages; well rested, at peace, perhaps even a little  _ giddy _ with the knowledge that  _ something _ is changing, something that makes his future seem a little less hopeless and bleak. And if it also brings back the icy chains of grief between his ribs, he tries not to think about it. 

When he wakes up, Changbin's voice still painfully clear in his mind, he's pleasantly surprised to find Minho still there; the older boy is sitting at the desk, scrolling through his phone mindlessly. He must've slept at some point -- his hair is sticking up on one side, and the shirt he's wearing is wrinkled.

"How long was I asleep for?" Hyunjin asks, voice hoarse. He stretches lazily, turning over and burying his face in his pillow, ready to fall asleep once more; sleep tugs at his eyelids, and the blanket that mysteriously appeared on his body is a comforting weight on him.

Minho lifts his gaze up from his phone, looking at Hyunjin with a soft smile. "About 15 hours," he says, slowly getting up. "But you should get up. I can't keep Jeongin away from your food forever."

Groaning loudly at the prospect of having to go grocery shopping after the younger boy inevitably inhales all the food in his house, Hyunjin sits up. He takes one glance at the pendulum on his nightstand; it glitters in the light, reflecting lines and patterns on the walls. Hyunjin puts it back around his neck as he gets up, the weight of it familiar and comforting.  

"You're awfully happy for someone who's had a mental breakdown for a week straight, " Minho notes as he walks past him, a smirk tugging at his lips; he's always been the most observant out of all of them.

Hyunjin shrugs, walking alongside Minho to the kitchen. "A lot can change in 15 hours."

Minho lets out an exasperated huff when Hyunjin doesn't elaborate on that, but there's no worry in his eyes anymore and for a while, it seems like everything is back to normal.  

The kitchen is  _ loud _ ; Felix and Jeongin are standing in front of the refrigerator, arguing about something petty, and Jisung is talking to Seungmin at the table, but in order for the other to hear him over the commotion, he almost has to shout. Before Hyunjin even has the chance to open his mouth, Jeongin speaks up, pouting.

"There's no food," he whines, looking into the fridge, as if hoping that something will magically appear there.

Hyunjin quirks an eyebrow at the younger boy, smiling. "This isn't even your house." He comments, plopping down onto Jisung's lap. When he's sure that no one is paying attention to the two of them, he leans down to whisper into Jisung's ear. "We need to talk."

Jisung pulls back to look at him, a hint of worry in his eyes; when he sees no sadness or fear in Hyunjin, he relaxes and nods. Frankly, Hyunjin considered not telling  _ anyone _ about what happened; he wanted to keep it a secret, make sure that it really is Changbin, that it is  _ real _ , before he talked to anyone. But, since Changbin asked him to, it might as well be a secret shared with Jisung only.  

They leave the kitchen when the other four are busy; Minho pestering Jeongin as the younger boy is attempting to leave the apartment, Felix and Seungmin in deep conversation, giggling wildly over something one of them said. Hyunjin locks the door behind them as they walk inside his bedroom. Jisung sits on his bed and stares at him, wide eyed. He thinks for a few seconds, unsure if he should just say it, or ease Jisung more into it; it might be a shock, after all.

He clasps his hands behind his back, nervously pressing his lips together.

"You know, I talked to him last night," he says, cringing at how ridiculous it sounds. Changbin is  _ dead _ , has been for over two years, but the spark of hope in his chest is still burning bright.

Jisung furrows his eyebrows, looking equally concerned and stressed. "That's not--" he shakes his head, puzzled. "A-are you sure it was him? How did you..?"

Hyunjin sighs, starting to pace around the room. "It was some sort of weird magic realm-- he brought my soul there, but not for long-- and I'm pretty sure it was him," he stutters out, stopping to look Jisung in the eye. "I  _ swear _ it was him, Sungie. You  _ have _ to believe me." He sounds desperate now, but it doesn't matter.

"I'm…" Jisung licks his lips anxiously, eyes darting around the room as he thinks. "It--it was something that he could do, but…"

But he shouldn't be able to, now. He's dead.

The other still doesn't look entirely convinced, and Hyunjin feels like he could cry and yell and break down because he  _ knows _ what he saw, but it doesn't seem like it's possible. "Sungie, I swear it was him, I  _ know _ it-- I swear I'm not crazy."

Jisung's eyes snap up at the distress in Hyunjin's voice, and he shakes his head vigorously. "No, no, Jinnie, I believe you, I just…" he sounds defeated, head dropping low once again. "Why now? Why, when it's been  _ so long _ \--"

His voice cracks and Hyunjin feels something in him break. He rushes over to Jisung's side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "It probably has to do with me breaking the barrier in the pendulum, y'know, since the magic runs freely now, it might--"

"That would make sense," Jisung mutters, and his voice is oddly small. "What did he say?"

He can feel the growing disappointment in his voice, and it breaks his heart. It doesn't surprise him -- if nothing happened for  _ years _ , leaving all of them to grieve in silence, not knowing what was happening, it's completely understandable why Jisung is upset.

"Not much," Hyunjin says, shaking his head slightly. "Apologized to me, said he misses you all… and, uh, said you're dumb."

Jisung pulls away from him,  _ shocked. _ "Wait, what?"

Hyunjin bites his lip, wondering if telling Jisung that was a good idea. "He said that he'd beat you up if he was still alive," he mumbles unsurely, fiddling with the pendulum. "For risking your life like that. He said it was dumb."

His mind briefly flashes to the memory of Jisung almost dying on Chan's table and he pushes it back with all his force.

Jisung laughs. And it's a little strained, and his eyes are filled with tears, but he throws himself at Hyunjin and holds on tight, like it was the only thing keeping him together. "Of course he'd say something like that." he mumbles, and Hyunjin keeps holding him, even as the laughter dies down and turns into quiet sniffling.  

"Does that mean he's not… dead?" Hyunjin asks after a few quiet minutes, unsure. Jisung stills, then pulls away, eyes red and watery. He doesn't look him in the eye.

"I don't know, Jinnie," He says, shaking his head sadly. "If you get another chance to talk to him, you can always ask."

There it is now; the hope in his voice. It's very weak, still, but it makes Hyunjin feel lighter to hear.

So he nods, forcing a small smile. "I will. Just… don't tell anyone, okay?"

Jisung stares at him for a few seconds, puzzled, before nodding.

Before they leave the bedroom, Jisung rolls up the sleeves of his sweatshirt.

On his left arm, barely visible, are thin, white scars, almost completely matching the ones on Hyunjin's right arm. He doesn't get a chance to comment on it, because the other boy leaves the room before he can even open his mouth.  

  
  
  
  


After the first conversation, Hyunjin falls asleep every night filled with hope,  _ needing _ to speak to Changbin again. But it doesn't happen. He wakes up disappointed, every day dimming the hope that once burned bright in him. Despite that, he tries to act normal. He lives his life just like he did before it all started; he hangs out with his friends, sells tarot readings to people over the internet, and tries his best to ignore the fact that he's slowly breaking. 

Everything, from the initial knowledge that he's been lied to all this time, to all the recent discoveries and the traumatic memory; it's taking a toll on him. And if his friends notice how withdrawn he's getting, how he's  _ too busy to come over _ more often, how he seems to be on edge all the time, they choose to ignore it.

But, with every day, Hyunjin just feels worse and worse. There's something inside of him that keeps telling him to give up, because there is no use in trying so hard if he's not getting anything out of it. There's something that makes him want to smash his head against the wall because he's trying so hard to live his life, but more and more lies come out. There's something that begs him to finally  _ get his shit together _ and get his memories back because he's sick of being left in the dark.

It's then that he decides that the day has come, and he texts Felix a message saying only  _ the river. tomorrow at midnight. _

When he goes to sleep that night, it's as if the universe was waiting for him to make that one, final decision.

It happens again, the hook under his sternum, the slightly uncomfortable feeling of his soul leaving his body and the universe around him shifting. He feels oddly calm about it, even though a part of him is bitter at how long it's been.

  
  


"It's been a while," he speaks into the void, sighing when he realizes he still cannot move. Still, it feels less suffocating this time. 

 

As much as it shouldn't be possible, Hyunjin hears footsteps, pacing in circles. "Has it?" Changbin exhales, his voice coming from behind him, as always. "I didn't realize. Time passes… differently here." 

 

If he could, Hyunjin would be fidgeting where he's standing, nervous about the whole situation. "Are you dead?" He blurts out before he can stop himself. 

 

Changbin stops his pacing. "For you all, yes. But not fully," he sounds… odd. "But you knew that already, didn't you? You've tried to contact me before."

 

Hyunjin freezes at that, suddenly overwhelmed with confusion. If he had somehow found out the truth, and then tried to contact Changbin, wherever he is…

 

It explains what Minho meant when he said they've gone through this already. 

 

"I… don't remember," he starts, hesitant. "They wiped my memory some time after you died, I-- I don't..." 

 

The air around him suddenly becomes freezing cold, enveloping his soul in ice. Changbin curses quietly. 

 

"Why would they…" he mutters in disbelief. "Shit, Jinnie, what did you do?" 

 

Hearing the nickname from Changbin makes something inside of him glow with warmth, but it's not enough to combat the cold all around him. "I don't know, I-- I was planning to try and get my memories back once I wake up, leave my body and try to go back, but…"

 

The footsteps become gradually closer, the sound stopping right in front of him. "After you separate from your body, try to find me, okay?" Changbin is already fading away, but he speaks with such urgency Hyunjin can't leave. "I'll help you."

 

And with that, he leaves, and Hyunjin spends another agonizing few second by himself in the dark, freezing void, before he's pulled back into his body. 

  
  


Upon waking up, Hyunjin feels  _ cold _ and empty, like there's a gaping hole in his chest that  nothing can fill. He tries to go on through the day as best as he possibly can, but he can't stop the excitement building inside of him, at the thought of being able to  _ see  _ Changbin, to talk to him for more than a few sentences, to have him help. Everything is different after their second meeting; the pendulum glows against his neck, Bean stays curled up on his shoulders, his tarot deck hums with magic when he pulls The Hanged Man randomly. 

It's unnerving -- knowing that soon enough, he might have his memories back. Part of him is, of course, happy, to finally know more about himself. Another part is scared of what he may see.

There has to be a reason why they erased his memories.

He's incredibly restless; pacing around his apartment for the majority of the day,  _ waiting and waiting and waiting _ for midnight to come, so he can head to the river. It's terrifying; not knowing what he's going to find out, not knowing how the others will react. He doesn't hear anything from them for the entire day, and, to be fair, it doesn't help in soothing his nerves.

Unable to keep waiting like that, doing  _ nothing _ , Hyunjin ends up at the Han river an hour early. The night is still and almost silent; the only sounds being the quiet rushing of water and the passing of cars in the distance. It's odd, the fact that there's no people there at that time -- usually the place is swarming with noise, humans and creatures of all kinds. Now, however…

Hyunjin stands there under the bright orange glow of the streetlights, holding the pendulum tightly, and hoping to whatever higher force is up there, that everything will go well. The stone pulsates with a white glow, almost as if  _ someone _ was trying to communicate with him through it -- and somehow, the familiar energy reassures him more than anything else. Still, Hyunjin paces around, checks his phone nervously every few seconds as his heart pounds against his ribs.

Thankfully, Hyunjin just so happens to be an open book, and all his friends know him very well -- which is why they all arrive half an hour after him, still too early, but already knowing he was going to be there.

"Hi," he breathes out nervously when he sees them approaching, trying to smile at them but failing.  His stress is showing, the familiar pulse of magic he can feel in his hands not helping the situation; everyone else looks mildly concerned.  

Woojin is the first one to approach him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure you're ready?" He asks, and his eyes are warm and steady, the look of them easing Hyunjin's nerves a bit as he nods jerkily, clenching and unclenching his fists.

His heart stutters when they move, together, to the riverbank, even closer to the water. It is said that water serves as a gateway to other realms, a place where one can reach a higher plane, detach themself from their body and let their magic run free. But, as far as he can remember, he's never done it like  _ that _ . He knows that, like every witch, like  _ Changbin,  _ he also has a realm inside of him that works on his own rules and is powered by his own magic; but reaching it could be difficult without being in the water, as his magic won't have an outlet and he'd have to focus more.

Once he reaches that realm, he will be able to access his own memories; since they were erased by another witch, it might be challenging -- but, with  _ help _ , he might be able to do it.

It's nerve wracking, the way Seungmin's eyes betray him and show how nervous he is, the way Jisung clings to Jeongin more than he usually does to calm his nerves. He also remembers Chan's words from the night he found out about everything.

  
_ “I know, and I trust that you will be able to get them back, but you have to promise me, that-- that whatever happens, you're going to be careful. And… no matter what, please remember to put yourself first.” _

That, paired with Minho's heavy voice when they said "they almost lost him before", and Changbin's nervousness when he found out that Hyunjin's memory have been erased, makes his throat tighten with anxiety. Still, it's something that he absolutely  _ has _ to do.

The eight of them step over the railing usually preventing people from getting into the river, knowing there will be no consequences, as most police officers are humans scared of people with any sort of abilities.

Hyunjin sighs, stepping out of his shoes and socks, taking his hoodie off, taking everything out of his pockets and placing it neatly on the grass. He should've brought dry clothes, he realizes, but it's too late to do anything about it now. Then, he takes the pendulum off his neck, wrapping the cord around his hand instead. It thrums silently with his and Changbin's magic combined.  

Another few minutes pass in silence and Hyunjin realizes he can't do it. While his magic is hugely influenced by strong emotions, the amount of stress he's feeling makes it unable for him to focus enough. His heart's pounding, he has to constantly wipe his clammy palms on his pants and he's biting the inside of his cheek so hard there's blood in his mouth. It's going to be impossible for him to detach himself from his body in this state.

He turns around from where he's standing right next to the water, scared eyes meeting his friends'. "Minho, I…" he stammers, shaking his head slightly. The older looks at him with a reassuring smile, walking over to where he's standing. "It's okay. I'll do it."

Minho, specializing in mind controlling magic, will be able to detach his soul with just one touch; making it easier for the both of them. Just in case anything goes wrong, he will also be able to bring Hyunjin back if he can't do it himself.

Hyunjin takes a deep breath to steady himself and steps into the water. It's freezing and makes his clothes stick to his body uncomfortably, but he pushes through until it reaches his thighs and gets down on his knees, wincing at the cold sensation.  Tightening his hold on the pendulum, he waits for Minho to get in and stand before him.

The older boy's eyes glow as he reaches him, warm hands sending shivers down Hyunjin's spine when they make contact with his face. "Stay safe, okay?" Minho whispers, smiling at him softly. Hyunjin smiles back despite the worry squeezing his ribs and nods.  

"Ready?" The older asks, already collecting frost on the surface of his skin. Hyunjin nods. Minho places one hand on his chest and the other over his eyes.

Before he can feel his body colliding with the surface of the water, everything goes black.

When Hyunjin feels in control of his body again, he doesn't open his eyes right away. All he can feel is the magic coursing through him, as well as the presence of the pendulum in his right hand. He focuses on the stone and the energy emanating from it, tries to draw it in with every inhale, every thought set on bringing Changbin to wherever he is at the moment.

Opening his eyes, Hyunjin is taken aback by the sight; he's laying down in a patch of tall grass surrounded by even taller, twisted trees. The sky above is painted in glittery shades of blue and pink. Creatures chirp overhead, sounding more light and melodic than regular birds do, and although Hyunjin doesn't recognize that place, it seems painfully familiar. When he gets up, a freezing sensation makes itself present around his arm. and when he looks down, there's an almost translucent silvery line there, wrapped around him wrist -- a way for Minho to know if he needs to be pulled back into his body.

Getting up, Hyunjin decides to look around. The trees around him aren't dense; they part and he sees a beaten path, leading towards a rusty old bridge - but he can't see anything past it, air waves distorting the image the closer he gets. He figures it might be where his memories are stored; but before he goes there, he figures he still wants to see the rest of the realm. With his hand still clutching the pendulum, focusing on bringing the energy towards him, Hyunjin keeps on walking. There's a small creek filled with glowing silver water across from him, and empty fields in the distance, shining golden in the light.

Hyunjin figures out it's a location that once meant a lot to him; it looks way too  _ real _ and there's no way he built it all himself. The only signs that it is, in fact, a magical realm is the unnaturally colored sky and water in the creek, and the bird like creatures flying around. He could manipulate this realm, change it however he sees fit, but, unfortunately, there are things far more important at the moment.

Something rustles in the grass behind him and he freezes instinctively, despite knowing that nothing can possibly hurt him here.

"Hyunjin," a familiar voice breaks the silence, and Hyunjin feels his heart stop. If he turns around right now, he will be face to face with Changbin. He's going to see him,  _ hell _ , maybe even touch him, and they're going to get his memories back, together.

_ Right _ .

Enamored by the magical scenery around him, Hyunjin almost forgot the true purpose of his visit. He takes in a few deep breaths to calm down his racing heart, and turns around.

 

He takes it all in; the black clothes, strong arms, sharp jaw and warm eyes, and almost cries.  _ This _ is what he's been waiting for -- a face to fit the description he has in mind, filling all the blanks in the memories that he's seen, something to connect the voice he hears to. Something warm and glowing blooms in his chest, spreading through his body and easing his nerves.

 

He's just standing there, opening and closing his mouth uselessly, feeling like he may fall apart at any second. "It's you," he chokes out, shaking his head in disbelief. His fist closes around the pendulum tightly, but he can still feel himself shaking. It feels completely unreal, the way Changbin stands in front of him, looking  _ alive _ and  _ solid _ , staring at Hyunjin with a small smile. 

 

"It's me," Changbin says, looking around. "Nice to finally be able to see your face again." He smiles, walking even closer. His fingers twitch at his sides, like he wants to reach out, but stops himself. 

 

Hyunjin smiles in relief, although it feels shaky.  "I don't know how long I'll he able to keep you here," he mutters nervously, biting his lip and glancing towards the bridge. "I think we should make it as quick as possible."  

 

A warm hand ghosts over the line around his wrist, feeling  _ real _ ; it sends a shiver down Hyunjin's spine. "Don't want to keep Minho waiting, huh?" Changbin chuckles, before he grabs Hyunjin's hand, the one still wrapped around the pendulum. "It's going to be fine, Jinnie."

 

Hyunjin nods, and lets himself be pulled towards the bridge, heart hammering against his ribs at the closeness between the two of them -- somehow, he doesn't feel nervous around Changbin, but the knowledge that the boy is  _ dead _ still fills his stomach with dread. 

 

The bridge, old and wooden with rusted railings, creaks underneath them when they step on it. Hyunjin licks his lips, trying to come up with something,  _ anything _ to say, but one thing keeps flashing in his mind. "Chan said," he starts weakly, breath catching when Changbin looks back at him. "He told me to put myself first no matter what, and Minho said they've already gone through that before and I just…" he shakes his head, looking anywhere but at the other boy. "What if I can't handle what I find?" 

 

Changbin sighs, tightening his hold on Hyunjin's hand. There's a look in his eyes that signals he knows  _ something.  _ "If anything, you've been through it already, right? You've already dealt with it, perhaps not in the best way," he gestures around them vaguely, a small smile on his lips. "But this time you know what you're doing,  _ and _ you're not alone."

 

That calms Hyunjin a little bit; but while he does  _ know _ that this all happened already and is just a matter of him remembering it, there has to be a reason everything went wrong in the first place. 

 

Changbin smiles at him reassuringly, and jerks his head towards the distorted images before them. "Come on, Jinnie," his smile falls. "We don't know how much time we have left." 

 

The string around his wrist goes taut for a few seconds, flickering before his eyes. With it comes a sudden wave of dizziness, vision flickering to the starry Seoul night. "Not long," Hyunjin mumbles, tugging the other towards his lost memories. "Might not be able to get all of them back." 

 

There's shadows forming around Changbin's frame, thick mist impenetrable by light. He reaches towards the blurring mass and plunges one of his hands inside, stilling immediately afterwards. "There's a seal that'd be impossible for you to crack by yourself," Chanbin cocks his head to the side in concentration, the shadows becoming more dense. Hyunjin watches him, holding his breath. 

 

"But, thankfully," the older's face contorts in discomfort for a split second, before he grins. The constantly changing images stop suddenly, and the road before them turns into a glittering golden portal. "It's not impossible for me."

 

Hyunjin stares into the portal wordlessly, focuses on Changbin's hand around his own, the coldness of Minho's bond with him on his arm, the pendulum still clutched in his fist. This is it, he thinks. The end of everything, the end of his life as he knew it. 

 

Changbin smiles at him, his gaze warm. "Ready?" He asks, and waits for Hyunjin to nod before he jumps through the portal and pulls him through. 

 

Air whooshes around them, everything in front of their eyes shifting incredibly fast. Hyunjin tightens his hold on Changbin's hand instinctively. "You should pick a specific period of time you want to see," the older says, voice slightly strained; it tries him out just as much. "Just in case we don't make it."

 

Hyunjin decides, and pieces together the last few years of his life. 

  
  
  


Changbin was almost the last one to join them, with dark eyes and even darker magic inside of him. He came from a small city just south of Busan, unable to control himself and the power inside of him. Seeing his potential, Chan decided to get closer to him, see what he's capable of, and just like that, he became part of their family. 

 

Hyunjin now remembers years passing, every one of them growing and learning about themselves and their abilities, remembers the days he spent with Changbin; hands clutching his under a starry sky, lips pressed to his under the orange glow of streetlights. It makes his chest ache in a way he cannot describe; and it seems like it hurts Changbin as well, because the other is staring at the memories with a frown. Both of their forms are nothing more than shadows, but Hyunjin still sees his face easily, still feels the hand around his own. 

 

The situation Jisung described to him, where everything started going badly, was so much worse in Hyunjin's memories. He can now remember the hopelessness, the sleepless nights, the attachment to his tarot deck gone in a flash; he can even remember him and Jisung getting into a physical fight and having to be restrained by Woojin and Chan.

 

He remembers spending  _ weeks _ trying to talk some sense into Changbin, trying to stop him from doing it alone, even going as far as threatening him with violence. 

 

When they settle into by far the worst memory, the night of Changbin's death, Hyunjin feels his heart drop, having experienced it from both perspectives now.

 

Changbin, standing in front of an entity too large and too powerful for him to fight alone, being lifted up in the air and bound by magical shackles, being thrown all around the narrow streets, the awful sounds of bones cracking  _ too loud _ for him to listen to. And Jisung, laying unconscious on the ground, blood pooling underneath him after having gone through the same thing.  

 

Everything happens in a flash; the rest of them get there and banish the entity temporarily, Woojin, Minho and Felix rushing to Jisung, Chan and Hyunjin dropping on the ground beside Changbin. Everything is the same as it was in the memory Hyunjin saw, but... something is off.

 

He doesn't see Changbin die.

 

One moment he's still with them, breathing ragged breaths and trying to focus his scared eyes on Hyunjin's face, and the other his body is gone, and all that's left is blood on the asphalt. 

 

Hyunjin remembers himself in the weeks following Changbin's death, hunching over books with the pendulum in one hand for weeks, constantly leaving his body to look back at the memories to try and figure out  _ how _ it all happened. He sees himself passing out in random places; his apartment, the middle of a busy street, Chan's doorstep. 

 

And, finally, Hyunjin remembers finding out the truth. 

 

The truth was actually very simple; Changbin didn't die, but he was instead taken to another realm that he will never be able to escape from, his soul stuck forever in another plane of existence. 

 

The aftermath, however, wasn't that simple. His friends, devastated by the loss of Changbin and Jisung, who spent weeks fighting for his life following that night, didn't believe him. They said he wasn't thinking straight, too consumed with grief for anything he's saying to make sense. Hyunjin remembers the betrayal, remembers begging them to  _ listen _ to him and getting nothing in return. It hurt, but Hyunjin now understands them -- he sounded absolutely ridiculous, especially after not sleeping for weeks, plagued with nightmares and grief.  

 

They get into a fight, him and the others. It ends in tears and anger, and Woojin holding him back so he doesn't lunge at Chan. It is then that Hyunjin realizes that he's not going to need their help, and he's going to try and bring Changbin back. 

  
The grip on Hyunjin's hand becomes almost painful at that point, and when he looks at Changbin, his face is scarily blank, eyes filled with worry. 

As it turns out, Hyunjin was, in fact, able to contact Changbin after his death. They met in the same realm they're in right now, but Changbin had no idea what the younger was planning. Hyunjin finds himself getting uneasy as he watches it, wishing he could talk to himself and keep it all from happening; because it appears as though he truly didn't know what he was doing, his actions fueled by grief and anger.

Hyunjin attempted to seek out the being that took Changbin away, wanting to fight it himself, just to get him back. When that didn't work out, he came up with an even worse idea -- his heart drops when he sees it.

The memory shows Hyunjin standing on a crossroads, on a dirt road just outside of Seoul, waiting. His phone buzzes in his pocket constantly, but his mind is swimming with only one thought --  _ it's the only way. _

Changbin curses loudly, tugging at Hyunjin's hand. "I can't believe you'd try something like this!" He exclaims angrily. Hyunjin shakes his head, staring at how the scene before him unfolds. 

 

Not in the right state of mind, Hyunjin didn't realize that selling his soul was not a good idea, ever. The demon he attempts to make a deal with is able to help him first -- he's able to bring back a fraction of Changbin's soul, and using his magic, infuses it into the creature Hyunjin is so familiar with; a black snake with crimson eyes. But, he didn't want Hyunjin's soul in return -- he wanted everything.

 

That's how the others found him; trying his best to fight the demon off and losing, twitching body laying in the dirt, bound with the demon's magic. It's then that they had to make a decision; in order to save his life, it was necessary to erase his memories and wipe his mind out, as by some law that would make the deal invalid, because Hyunjin would no longer remember any details and therefore it'd be impossible to prove a deal has been made. 

  
  


Before they get to the process of his memories being erased, Changbin pulls them out. Hyunjin lands on his back on the bridge, sliding for a bit before stopping, dust rising before his eyes. The sky above his head is darker now, a deep crimson turning into black, with bright starts scattered across the surface. It seems to mirror the whirlwind of emotions currently making themselves present after seeing what happened. 

 

"You tried to sell your soul to bring me back!" Changbin spits out at him, a fire in his eyes, and Hyunjin doesn't have it in him to form an actual reply, so he shakes his head instead. 

The older runs a hand down his face, letting out a disappointed sigh. "You  _ can't  _ risk yourself like that for me." He says, sitting on the ground next to Hyunjin, a pleading edge to his voice.

Hyunjin looks at him, trying his best to blink away the frustrated tears forming in his eyes. "But now that I know what happened, I know what I did wrong, maybe this time I could--"

"God, Jinnie,  _ no," _ Changbin cuts him off, just as the string around Hyunjin's wrist wobbles, his entire form flickering in and out of the realm. They don't have much time left. " _ Please _ , don't try to do anything. It's not worth it. I'm sorry, but it's impossible for anyone to bring me back safely."

Voice shaking as he speaks, Hyunjin finds himself shaking his head, tears finally spilling over and falling down his cheeks. "But I could…"

Cupping Hyunjin's face in his hands, Changbin interrupts him again. "Jinnie, baby, I'm still here anytime you need me," he whispers reassuringly, even as his form slowly begins to fade. "It's okay. No matter what happens, I'm still here. We'll figure something out, the next time I see you, okay?"

The last thing Hyunjin can feel as everything fades, is the press of lips against his own.

  
  
  


A few minutes pass before everything settles, and Hyunjin is back in his physical body. He's not in the water anymore, but his clothes and hair are soaking wet, and he's freezing, chills wracking his body every few seconds. There's an equally cold hand laying on his forehead, and as he slowly blinks his eyes open, he's met with Minho's worried face inches away from his own. 

"You've been gone for a while," the older comments, slowly helping Hyunjin sit up and wrapping a towel around his shoulders. They're still at the riverbank, the rest of his friends huddled around them with concern painting their faces.

Hyunjin takes a deep breath in, and bursts into tears, now feeling everything ten times as hard, chest splitting open and heart feeling as though it's being pierced with a blade. "I'm sorry," he practically wails, shaking his head against the onslaught of memories; the fights, the grief, the helplessness, the urgency in Changbin's voice when he told him that he can't be brought back. "It's all my fault."

Then, there are arms wrapping around him, pulling him close. "It's our fault, too," Chan mutters to him softly, but his voice is full of emotion. "None of this would've happened if we believed you."

"You did what you had to do," Hyunjin whispers, relief flooding him when he realizes one of his hands is still wrapped around the pendulum, and he brings it closer to him, squeezing it tightly. "I'm sorry."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello and thank you for reading!!! 
> 
> and yes, im aware that this was supposed to be the last chapter, however!! i feel like after this rollercoaster of emotions, itd be better to have another one where i wrap up everything, instead of having all of it happen in this chapter.
> 
> also: ebglish is not my first language AND im incredibly tired at the moment, so if there happen to be any grammar mistakes, im sorry hhhh
> 
>  
> 
> thank you again for reading and supporting this story, because it truly means the world to me <3


	5. v part 1.

Hyunjin doesn't know how much time he spends breaking down; upon arriving at his apartment, he locks himself in his bedroom, uncaring about his still damp clothes and lays on his bed, the pendulum around his neck and Bean curled up next to him. He clings to everything that remains of Changbin and cries; cries for himself, for losing the boy he loves and doing something so  _ stupid _ to get him back. He cries for Changbin, stuck in an endless void for an eternity as a punishment for wanting to keep his family safe. And he cries for the rest of his friends, his  _ brothers _ , having to deal with the loss of almost three members of their family in such a short amount of time.  

 

He's absolutely exhausted from the prolonged use of magic, his head is pounding and his skin feels raw from constantly rubbing against his wet clothes. The weight of the pendulum that once was comforting, now suffocates him with grief as he thinks back to every single moment spent with Changbin, and, if he focuses hard enough, he can bring the feeling of Changbin's hand around his own, Changbin touching his face, the feeling of Changbin's lips on his. 

 

_ Fuck. _

 

With a frustrated cry, he takes the pendulum off and chucks it across the room. The stone hits the wall so strongly Hyunjin's sure it's going to leave a mark. Bean blinks at him slowly, and it's  _ so _ alike with Changbin's concerned expression it makes him feel sick. It seems to feel the whirlwind of emotions Hyunjin is feeling, and slowly slithers off the bed just as the door creaks open. 

 

Felix and Woojin peek their heads in, entering slowly when they see Hyunjin still sobbing, Bean's head sticking out from under the bed, the pendulum laying on the floor, a long crack running down the crystal. The two sit next to him, but don't speak for what seems like forever. Their silence is unnerving. 

 

"What happened there?" Woojin asks as he wraps an arm around Hyunjin's shoulders, concern evident in his voice. "Minho said..." He doesn't finish, but it's obvious that Minho told them he felt Changbin's presence there.

 

Hyunjin leans into his side heavily, exhaustion weighing him down. "What do you think?" He croaks out, voice hoarse from all the sobbing. "He was with me." 

 

Woojin stares at him, worried. "How?"

 

Taking a deep breath and rubbing the last tears off his face, Hyunjin looks at up him, not surprised to see the sadness on the other boy's face. "He asked me to bring him there, so he could help me," he explains. "Because I wouldn't be able to break the seal by myself, apparently." There's a bitter edge to his voice as he says that, and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Felix shoot Woojin a glare. 

 

"I'm sorry this happened," the younger boy tells him, and it's the first time Hyunjin has ever seen him so down. His usually bright eyes are oddly sad, and he's fiddling with the hem of his shirt nervously. 

 

Hyunjin smiles at him, and it's small, but it seems to be enough because Felix gives him a smile of his own. "It's okay, Lix," He reassures. "I understand."

 

He really does; it's impossible for him to say what  _ he _ would've done if he was in their place -- with Changbin being dead, Jisung still fighting for his life and, on top of it all, Hyunjin threatening to sacrifice himself. After everything that's happened, he doesn't have it in him to blame anyone, because they only wanted what's best for him. 

 

Felix stares at him for a moment, with that look in his eyes that suggests he still doesn't feel completely reassured, but it fades and the boy scrunches his face in disgust. "You smell like river water," he mutters, earning a laugh and a light slap from Hyunjin. "You really do." Woojin adds, squeezing him once more before letting go and ruffling his hair affectionately. 

 

Huffing out an exasperated breath, Hyunjin gets up. Knowing that he's not, and probably will never be alone, fills the gaping hole in his chest a little. He walks over to where the pendulum is laying on the floor and picks it up, rubbing his fingers over the crack sadly. A small wave of regret washes over him as he places it, now gently, on his nightstand. As he grabs some clean clothes and heads towards his shower, he can't help but think about the hours he spent awake in there before, whether it was with Changbin, or with anyone else. 

 

It feels odd, suddenly remembering all those things that he didn't before. Even weirder, knowing that it's still not  _ all _ of his memories and there's still a huge part of his life missing. To be fair, he doesn't feel the need to get them back anymore. It's been pushed to the back of his mind, the only important thing what he just found out. It weighs at his heart heavily, but it's confusing; the loss tears him open just as hard as it did two years ago, but there's the rational part of his brain that knows he's still able to reach Changbin regularly. 

 

His heart bleeds for the rest of his friends; they've all gone through _so much_ in the past few years, _hell,_ the past few weeks. It had to be incredibly hard, even more so than it was for Hyunjin, because while he didn't remember anything, _they_ did and had to deal with the consequences. And now, the only thing they can do, is listen to Hyunjin boasting about how he's talked to Changbin not once, but three times in the past weeks.  He hopes that now, everything can go back to normal. 

 

It's weird, how many little details he just  _ knows _ now; he knows that the bottle of vanilla scented shampoo in his shower is only there because Changbin once said that it's his favorite, he knows that the red hoodie he's wearing belonged to Seungmin at one point. When he walks to the living room, he remembers that the suspicious dent in the wall in the hallway appeared after Felix accidentally ran into it. 

 

All eyes turn to him when he enters the living room; the seven boys scattered across all possible surfaces, with varying degrees of concern painting their faces. "Hi," Hyunjin mumbles awkwardly, somehow managing to squeeze himself between Jeongin and the arm of the couch. The younger boy stares at him for a few seconds looking like he wants to say something, but ends up leaning his head on Hyunjin's shoulder, sighing a soft "how are you feeling?" instead. 

 

Jeongin has been distant since the night it all started and, to be fair, Hyunjin understands. It all happened because of him, because he, somehow found Changbin's pendulum and, without realizing what it was, brought it back. One part of him is grateful; if it wasn't for the whole situation, he would've never knew Changbin ever existed (and,  _ God, _ he doesn't even want to think how  _ lonely  _ the other must be by himself), but, there still is that one part of his brain telling him that, perhaps he would be better off not knowing. It pains him to see the younger boy  _ still _ beating himself up, though - it's  _ not _ his fault everything went the way it did, and Hyunjin knows that. Jeongin was the only one who was hesitant about erasing his memory; although the other option wasn't pleasant, he knew that if Hyunjin ever found out the truth, it was only going to make everything worse. 

 

"Tired." Hyunjin answers, toying with the drawstrings of his hoodie idly. The use of magic, even with Changbin's help, left him completely drained of any energy, the exhaustion clouding his mind and making a deep ache make itself present in his bones. Still, he feels like he won't be able to fall asleep for a while, the day's events too big of a stress on him, the memory of Changbin dying flashing in his head every time his eyes close. 

 

None of them talk after that, the quiet hum of the TV enough for most of them to fall asleep. They do it often, Hyunjin realizes, huddle in someone's living room to keep them company and end up falling asleep. That is, everyone except Hyunjin, it seems. He sits there, cheek laying against Jeongin's head still on his shoulder, eyes mindlessly following the patterns of moonlight spilling into the room. 

 

"Jinnie?" The silence is broken by a soft whisper coming from his left; Chan's eyes glimmer in the dim light, seeming impossibly sad from where he's sitting with Jisung curled up against him. Hyunjin looks over at him, only raising his eyebrows in response. "How is he?" 

 

With a heavy heart, Hyunjin sighs. "We didn't really have that much time, but…" he mutters, hoping he doesn't wake Jeongin up. "He's… alright, I think. I hope he is." 

 

Chan only sighs at that, head falling back against the back of the couch. Hyunjin bites his lip worriedly, looking at him. "I wish…" he starts, waiting for the older to look at him and then dropping his gaze. "I wish the rest of you could see him," his voice cracks at that, and he stops for a second to compose himself. "You deserve it."

 

A few seconds pass, Chan appearing to be deep in thought when Hyunjin looks over at him. "You know, we could try." The older mutters, eyes trained on the ceiling. "Since you can reach Bin's soul and bring him to your magic realm, then, maybe if someone was with you…" he trails off, shaking his head bitterly. "You know what, forget it." 

 

Hyunjin stares at him, thinking it over  _ again  _ and  _ again _ before speaking. "It's possible," he says, earning a sad look from Chan. "But, having to keep Changbin's soul there is a hard thing. It'd have to be either someone's who's strong enough to go there themselves, or…" 

 

His eyes linger on Jisung's sleeping form for a minute. The other, being a shapeshifter, means his soul isn't charged with magic and, therefore, is  _ lighter _ than anyone else's in this room. Bringing him along would be an easy task for Hyunjin once he recovers. That is, if Jisung wants to.  

 

Chan tightens his arm around Jisung almost protectively, staring at him with sorrow in his eyes. "Sungie deserves it the most out of all of us." he whispers, and Hyunjin notices how his eyes look suspiciously wet. He decides not to question it. 

 

_ What about you?  _ Hyunjin wants to ask, knowing what Chan had gone through. He  _ knows _ now, that the older blamed himself for Changbin's death the most, spending ages locked in his room after that night, not wanting to face all of them. He  _ knows _ that Chan was the one who didn't believe him at first,  _ knows _ that he's the main reason he tried to sell his soul. 

 

He very vaguely remembers them fighting, Chan's angry yelling and arms flailing as he gesticulated wildly, his own timid posture and soft whispers of  _ please just listen to me, Chris, believe me;  _ he can imagine how bad the older feels now that Hyunjin remembers everything again, and the thought pains him. They were both  _ messed up,  _ torn up from grief and filled with anxiousness at the thought of possibly losing Jisung as well; none of them were in their right mind and shouldn't be blamed for it.

 

With a quiet sigh, Hyunjin delicately slips out from under Jeongin's sleeping body, almost trips over Bean's form slithering across the floor, and slowly walks to the kitchen after placing the snake around his shoulders. It curls up over his neck, and the silent vibrations of Changbin's magic make him feel a bit lighter. 

 

The kitchen is eerily still at this time; the moonlight barely reaches the window which makes the entire room almost entirely blanketed in darkness. Hyunjin pours himself a glass of water and sits on the counter, idly brushing his fingers over the snake's body. He realizes now, that the voice he heard from it, was Changbin's attempt at communicating; the tiny part of his soul that resides in it made it possible to be able to  _ use _ the snake's body for short periods of time. 

 

_ God, he did  _ _ not _ _ deserve to end up like this,  _ he thinks bitterly, taking a sip of his water and letting Bean squeeze his neck lightly. 

 

The sudden footsteps stepping into the room don't startle him, because Hyunjin already knows who it is; their energy may not be the most obvious, but the guilt rolling off them in waves is. 

 

Chan walks across the room, pausing for a second to look out the window before turning away to face Hyunjin, who can't help but wince at the way he looks. As much as the older doesn't like showing weakness, it's painfully obvious in the tense line of his shoulders and clenched jaw. The dim light only exacerbates the look of remorse on his face, making his features appear hollow and ghastly. They stare at each other in silence, what feels like forever passing before Chan breaks the eye contact and sighs. 

 

Hyunjin waits, because he already expects what's about to happen.  

 

"I'm sorry." He says, and Hyunjin rolls his eyes because that's the only thing Chan seems to say nowadays. He gets off the counter and places the glass down, moving to face the older.

 

"Chris, you don't have to keep apologizing." 

 

The older stares at him for a second, then huffs out a mirthless laugh. "Of course I do," he says sharply, arms crossed over his chest defensively. "If I wasn't  _ stupid-- I should've stopped him, Hyunjin.  _ I shouldn't have gotten into that stupid fucking fight with you. If I wasn't  _ like that,  _ we wouldn't be here right now." 

 

He's about to break, Hyunjin thinks. His hands shake when he brings them up to run them through his hair, and his eyes glisten in the dark. It's all making sense now; the way Chan acted around him before, completely shutting off whenever Hyunjin got another memory back, becoming cold and tense when someone tried to approach the subject. Ages of pent up stress and guilt are finally bubbling up and ready to spill over. 

 

"There's  _ nothing  _ any of us could have done and you know it," Hyunjin sighs quietly, mindful of the six sleeping boys in the next room. "And whether we got in that fight or not, I would've done something anyways."

 

Chan falters slightly at that, dropping his arms to his sides and staring out of the window. 

 

"None of us were thinking straight. We  _ all _ messed up." Hyunjin admits, furrowing his brows. He wishes Chan would stop blaming himself, but that seems to be in his nature at this point. "Listen, Chris, this isn't  _ your _ fault. I don't blame you, the guys don't blame you, Changbin does  _ not _ blame you. We all messed up. We all did something stupid. That doesn't mean we're responsible for that whole mess."

 

A few minutes pass. Bean's tail flicks at his neck lightly, encouraging. Chan turns away from him, hands braced against the countertop and head hung low. About five seconds later, he starts crying.

 

Hyunjin freezes up at first, caught off guard, before slowly approaching the older. "Chris," he calls out weakly, placing a hand on Chan's shaking shoulders. "It's okay." 

 

"I just…" Chan drags a hand down his face, taking in a shaky breath.  _ "I just really fucking miss him, you know?" _  He chokes out, face scrunching uncomfortably as he tries to stop himself from crying. Hyunjin knows that there's more to it than just that, but doesn't push. 

 

Something dark and sharp twists in Hyunjin's chest at that, briefly thinking back to the night Changbin died, to Chan clutching his hand and promising that everything will be alright. He thinks back to Changbin's whispered plea of  _ it's not their fault  _ and wishes, with all his heart, that all of them can be at peace again some day. It's obvious that even after  _ years _ they're still not fully done mourning. 

 

And neither is Hyunjin, despite having talked to Changbin just a few hours earlier.

 

He wraps an arm around Chan, ignoring how there's tears burning at the backs of his own eyes and lets the older cry into his shoulder. "It's okay," he repeats, voice small. "We'll figure something out. We'll be okay, Chris."

 

"I'm sorry," Chan mutters shakily before pulling away. There's no more tears, but he's still sniffling, breath hitching every other moment, and he sends Hyunjin a tired smile when they make eye contact. "You're really strong, Jinnie, you know that?" He whispers, idly brushing his fingers over Bean's body, the snake nuzzling it's head into his palm. 

 

Hyunjin stares at him for a few seconds before shrugging. "I guess so." He wouldn't necessarily call himself strong, but there's no use in arguing with Chan. 

 

"Come on," he sighs, leading the two of them out of the kitchen once he sees that the older is fully calm. He gently pushes Chan back onto the couch, in between Jisung and Woojin. "Get some rest, okay? You deserve it." 

 

Before he can leave, a hand curls around his wrist. "Jinnie," Chan whispers, a hint of disappointment in his eyes. "You need to rest too."

 

Hyunjin forces a smile to his face, patting Chan's hand reassuringly. "I'll be fine, Chris. I promise."

 

He leaves the room, needing some distraction from how tired he truly is. He walks to his bedroom with the urgent need to change his bedsheets because he assumes that they undoubtedly smell like river water. It keeps him busy and awake - for a while, that is. Not long enough. 

 

He doesn't want to sleep, because he knows sleeping means dealing with all those memories -- and he's not quite sure if he's ready to do that. Sitting down at his desk, his mind drifts back to all the research he's done, all the different ways Changbin could be brought back, despite clearly remembering the older boy's words about not doing that. 

 

Back then, selling his soul seemed like the only logical thing to do; he'd sacrifice himself if that meant Changbin would get to live. Now, he sees it differently. Among many ways that he knows of, there is one that stands out to him the most. 

 

Another sacrifice, but slightly different. 

 

He's thought about it before, done as much research as possible, but it always seemed impossible. That sacrifice would require 7 of them - 7 of them to sacrifice a part of their own soul in order to bring Changbin's back to their world. It'd be difficult, and there's no guarantee that it would even work, but Hyunjin still has hope. 

 

But they'd never agree, he realizes with a bitter smile. Despite everything, it's too much of a risk - and none of them would be willing to put themselves through that once again. And, in case something goes wrong? Hyunjin would  _ never _ forgive himself.  

 

The possibilities make his head swim, and he's aware of the fact that  _ no one, absolutely no one  _ would agree  _ or _ let him do anything like that ever again. And yet, he can't stop thinking about it, especially in his sleep deprived state. It seems to be the only thing on his mind as he sits there, fumbling with the mess on his desk in order to keep himself awake. 

 

A loud curse spills from his lips as he accidentally knocks over an empty glass, which falls onto a stack of books, making them tumble to the floor with a loud bang. Quietly hoping that no one has heard the noise, he bends down to pick them up, studying the covers carefully. He hasn't looked at those books in ages, and all they've been doing is collect dust on his desk. Upon picking up the last one, he's confused to see pictures fall out from between the pages and scatter across the floor. 

 

A sad realization washes over him, when he sees that every single picture has Changbin on it; by himself, with Hyunjin, with another one of their friends. He sorts through them, ignoring the tears welling up in his eyes at the sight. Everything in him  _ yearns _ for the boy, and the knowledge that he'll never be able to truly have him by his side tears him apart. 

 

He doesn't sleep that night, keeping himself awake and distracted by watching videos on his phone and quietly redecorating his room - rearranging the books on his shelves in size order, organizing all the junk that is in his drawers. His eyes burn with how much he's been rubbing them for the past few hours and his muscles ache, but he fears that he'll fall asleep as soon as he lays down. Time passes incredibly slowly, every second feeling twice as long. When the sun is finally up, and light is filtering through his windows, Hyunjin feels like he's close to passing out from exhaustion. He's sitting on the floor now, bleary eyes focusing on the screen of his phone as he listens to the shuffling noises from the living room.  

 

Some of his friends might be up already, he figures. The thought that he should join them passes through his mind briefly, but it's quickly forgotten, his sleep deprived brain jumbling all rational thoughts into a mess of white noise. 

 

The door opening suddenly startles him just a bit, making him drop his phone in his lap. Seungmin stares at him from the doorway, expression unreadable. 

 

"You haven't slept  _ at all?"  _ He asks, eyebrows furrowed. 

 

Hyunjin shrugs, avoiding his friend's scrutinizing gaze. "I wasn't tired." 

 

It's an obvious lie, but he can't come up with anything better at the moment. He watches as Seungmin sits down across for him, face signaling he's about to try and talk some sense into him. 

 

"I know it's hard for you right now," Seungmin says softly, watching him cautiously. "But you can't keep doing that to yourself."

 

Before Hyunjin can open his mouth to defend himself, Seungmin speaks again. 

 

"Being able to see Bin is one of the only things keeping you together right now," he states like it's the most obvious thing ever. "And you won't be able to see him if you don't let yourself recover. That, and you know how disappointed he's going to be when he finds out."

 

He has a point, Hyunjin has to admit. "I know, I know, I just--" he shrugs, rubbing his face. It feels like he's carrying the entire world on his shoulders, the weight of all their mistakes, all their fear and guilt pressing down on him. "It's a lot." 

 

"Yeah," Seungmin breathes out, grabbing one of his hands and squeezing lightly. "But we're here. And we'll help you, no matter what it is." 

 

Hyunjin squeezes his hand back, silently praying that this will be the end of their worrying. 

  
  
  
  


He still doesn't sleep, tiring himself out with pointless tasks and simple spells, sick of having to see Changbin dying every time he closes his eyes. It does nothing but open up old wounds, make him remember all that he's lost when all he wants to do is  _ forget.  _ Forget about the older boy's tragic fate, and remember that he still has the chance to bring him back, still has the chance to see him, still is able to talk to him and hold him. 

 

It doesn't end well for Hyunjin, because nothing ever does, and after agonizingly long four days of pretending to sleep when someone was watching him, a simple summoning spell to hand Jisung something leads to him passing out on the kitchen floor, completely drained of any sort of energy. 

 

But, before everything goes black, he feels  _ it,  _ again. It's different this time; instead of a hook tugging his soul away gently, it feels like a hand has reached inside of him and tore it out, and if Hyunjin had a voice he'd definitely scream. 

  
  
  


"The hell happened to you?" Changbin snarls, without even a proper greeting. "You've been completely unreachable. I couldn't even  _ feel  _ you." 

 

Hyunjin blinks his eyes open slowly, shocked to find that he can actually  _ see  _ and  _ feel  _ everything around him -- he's not stuck in that dark void anymore. "Where--?" He chokes out, struggling to focus his blurry vision on anything.  The ache he felt all over hasn't gone away, despite him not being in his body anymore, and his head swims as he tries to sit up from where he's laying down on something hard.

 

"Easy, Jinnie." Hands on his shoulders steady him,  _ warm _ and  _ solid _ and  _ real,  _ and Hyunjin feels like he could cry. "I practiced for a bit while you were gone." Changbin says, softer this time, worried face finally coming into Hyunjin's line of sight. "Just wanted to see you again." 

 

When his vision finally clears up, he finally can look at his surroundings. The two of them are sitting in the driveway of a small house, the dark sky above them twinkling with multicolored stars. There's no other houses there, surrounding them are just fields or glittering silver weeds. The ends of the realm are distorted, hazy edges bleeding into  nothingness; it's a lot smaller than what Hyunjin has, but the contained space feels more comforting than anything.

 

"Sorry," he mutters, lowering his head. "It's, uh-  my fault. Haven't slept since the last time I saw you.  _ And I  _ might have broke the pendulum. A little." He admits, slightly ashamed.  

 

Changbin sighs, shifting closer to him. "I know," he says with a sad smile, reaching out to run his fingers through Hyunjin's hair. "I figured that out myself." His face drops,  and he narrows his eyes at him. "But you're asleep now,  _ right?" _

 

Hyunjin looks at him for a few seconds, debating on telling him the truth. "Well, technically…" 

 

"You passed out, right?" Changbin looks at him expectantly, frowning when Hyunjin nods. "That's why I had to use so much force to get you here." 

 

"I'm sorry," Hyunjin says, laying back down with a wince. The asphalt feels warm under his back, like the sun has been shining on it all day and there's electricity hanging between them, like before a storm. "I just…" he trails off, refusing to look the older boy in the eye, not wanting to see the disappointment. 

 

Changbin shifts him so that Hyunjin's head lays in his lap and places a hand on his cheek. "Talk to me, Jinnie," he pleads quietly, tracing patterns over his face with gentle fingers. "I'm just worried." 

 

Eyes fluttering close, Hyunjin leans into the touch, letting himself get lost in the sensation for a few moments before he speaks. "I see you dying every time I close my eyes." He admits, curling his fingers around Changbin's wrist. It feels real; flesh and bone, warm like it should be, but the lack of a pulse beneath his fingertips breaks the illusion, thrusts him back into reality. "And I  _ don't--"  _ he takes in a shuddery breath, opens his eyes to look up at Changbin. "I don't  _ want  _ to think about it, I don't want to keep being reminded about what happened, I want to focus on having you here with me  _ now,  _ but I just--" 

 

"Hey," Changbin interrupts him softly, wiping away the tears that managed to fall. "You've been through a lot, and it's obviously going to take some time for you to deal with everything." He says, brushing the hair away from his forehead. "Have you talked to anyone about it?" 

 

Hyunjin doesn't answer, sighing when all his surroundings become blurred, a sign that he'll be awake soon. It fills him with unease, and he wishes that they could stay like that for a bit longer. 

 

"Jinnie, I want you to talk to someone about it," Changbin tells him, eyes soft but worried. He's slowly fading, too, but the weight of his hand is still as real as it was before. "It'll get better. I'll see you soon, okay?" 

 

Everything dissolves into darkness slowly, more delicately than it ever did, and before he knows it, Hyunjin is back in his body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL IM TERRIBLY SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG!! ive had some personal issues during the past few weeks that prevented me from writing as much as i would like, and it's also why this is Not the last chapter
> 
> this was originally supposed to be 3 chapters, then i figured 5 will be enough, but i decided to split chapter 5 into 2 parts because i dont want to make all of you wait for so long! 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you all for kudos and comments, because they're my biggest motivation!! ♡


	6. v part 2

Hyunjin doesn't open his eyes right away, heart dropping when he hears a hushed conversation next to him.  

_ "--but he still hasn't woken up!  _ Something has to be wrong, right?" Jisung whispers harshly to the person next to him, squeezing Hyunjin's hand tightly.  His voice sounds shaky, scared, and Hyunjin doesn't even want to think about how worried he must have been. 

Judging by the dull pain in the back of his skull and the hard floor beneath his back, Hyunjin assumes he's still in the kitchen -- whoever's with Jisung right now must not want to move him in case the fall caused any injuries. 

"I'm sure he's fine, Sung." The other person, Woojin, reassures quietly, but there's not much conviction to his words. 

"He hasn't been sleeping," a third person speaks up, and Hyunjin winces internally at the concern in Chan's voice. "His body probably just  _ really  _ needed to rest. Give him a bit longer, and if he doesn't wake up in the next hour, we'll try something."

Hyunjin briefly wonders how long he's been out for. His fingers twitch in Jisung's hold, and he hears the boy gasp in surprise. "Jinnie?" He asks, voice frantic, perhaps a little too loud, because it makes Hyunjin's head pound even more. 

"How long?" He mutters, slowly opening his eyes. When he tries to sit up, he's stopped by Woojin placing a firm hand on his chest and pushing him back down gently.  Jisung stares down at him, eyes red and puffy, and squeezes his hand once more before letting go.  

"Almost two hours, Jinnie," Jisung mutters, worried eyes scanning his face. "I thought something was seriously wrong." 

Hyunjin shakes his head lightly, furrowing his eyebrows in concern. "No, nothing's wrong," he breathes out, looking over at Chan and Woojin. "I was just…" he gestures around them vaguely, letting himself be pulled upwards so that he's sitting up. The change in position makes his head swim and he leans forward, groaning quietly.

Chan's fingers ghost over the back of his head. "Does it hurt?" He asks, pressing and poking at the undoubtedly bruised spot. Hyunjin hisses in pain, jerking his head away. "Ouch,  _ shit--  _ of course it hurts, I fell on my fucking head!" He whines, pushing Chan's hand away from him. 

The older boy chuckles quietly as he gets up, extending both his hands for Hyunjin to take. He pulls him to his feet lightly, wrapping an arm around Hyunjin's waist when he sways on his feet unsteadily. "Alright, let's go." He huffs out, walking into the living room and sitting on the couch, pulling Hyunjin down with him. 

Woojin and Jisung sit across from them, both wearing equally concerned expressions. "So," the older of the two starts, eyebrows raised in question. "Are we going to talk about  _ why  _ you haven't slept for a week and  _ why _ you keep doing this to yourself?" 

Hyunjin sighs, burying himself deeper into the cushions and mumbling something under his breath. 

"What was that?" 

"I  _ said,"  _ Hyunjin repeats himself, now quieter. "That every single damn time I close my eyes, I see him die. Which is why I haven't been sleeping." He holds a hand out, to prevent anyone else from speaking. "He's not happy about that either, okay? He told me to talk to you about it, so here I am. Talking to you." 

Chan pulls him closer. "I know it's hard," he says quietly, looking at Hyunjin. "But you've already gone through it. You've already stopped them." He reminds him, fingers tapping against Hyunjin's temple. 

_ Has he? _ He looks over at Chan in confusion, trying his best to remember  _ how _ he could've done something like that, but coming up empty.  

"Pretty sure Minho helped you out, but you did." Jisung comments, a small smile on his lips and Hyunjin nods in relief. Despite his magic being possibly the weakest out of all of them, Minho turns out to be the most helpful -- his ability to tap into anyone's mind is needed more than anything else.  

He leans against Chan tiredly, wincing slightly at the headache he feels slowly forming. If he focuses hard enough, he can still feel Changbin's gentle hands on his face, see the multicolored rainbow stars above his head; for a second everything's okay. "Yeah, I'll…" he mumbles, distracted. His eyes feels too heavy all of sudden, and his whole body aches with the bone deep need to  _ rest,  _ ignoring the messed up part of his brain trying keep him awake. "I'll talk to Minho about it, soon." His words are slurred, voice barely above a whisper, as the exhaustion clouds his senses, making everything seem more slow and muted than usual. 

The last thing Hyunjin remembers before he falls asleep is the flash of golden light from Woojin's hands; but it's so quick his tired brain just assumes he's seeing things.

  
His dreams are calm; he doesn't quite remember them upon waking up, but they leave him feeling warm and contented. He notes worriedly that it's bright outside -- which could mean that he had only slept for an hour or two, or for around 24 hours. It feels like the latter, though, and he's not sure if it's good or bad. Scanning his surroundings a bit more, he realizes someone has moved him and he's laying down, a blanket draped over him, and there's a rough material under his face that he soon realizes to be Jisung's denim clad thighs. With his eyesight obstructed mostly by his hair he can't see who else is in the room, but judging by the almost complete silence, save for the quiet hum of the TV, he assumes it's just the two of them. Jisung has spent every moment with him since Hyunjin got his memories back -- whether he's doing it out of worry, or perhaps even  _ guilt,  _ Hyunjin doesn't know, but he appreciates the company. 

"Hi," Jisung says quietly once he notices Hyunjin's awake. He seems a lot less worried now, but there still is a hint of uncertainty in his face. 

Hyunjin hums in response, not awake enough to think about speaking, and slowly sits up. The blanket falls off his shoulders, and he picks it back up, resists the urge to go back to sleep, and considers getting up. The non responsible part of his brain tells him to sleep a little longer - he deserves it, after all. The rational part, however, decides to remind him that he hasn't eaten in over 24 hours and therefore, he's starving. 

  
  


He's halfway through eating a piece of toast when he realizes something's wrong with Jisung. The shapeshifter sits at the kitchen table, eyes locked on something in the distance and muscles tense. He's not speaking like usual, not cracking jokes, not even smiling. He seems far away from everything, and doesn't even react when Hyunjin places a cup of tea in front of him. 

"Sung," he says loudly through a mouthful of bread, raising his eyebrows in confusion when Jisung's eyes snap to him, seemingly broken out of whatever it was that he was thinking about. "What's wrong?" He asks, casually placing another piece of bread in the toaster as he waits for a response. 

Jisung blinks at him, quiet for a few minutes. He startles when the toast pops out, shifts nervously in his seat. "I just…" he shrugs, taps his fingers on the table. He's frowning, the corners of his lips pulling down and he looks seconds away from bursting into tears.

Hyunjin briefly thinks that, first of all, this feels oddly familiar and, second of all, this is  _ definitely  _ not a conversation to have over breakfast.  

 "This whole thing just has me thinking," Jisung admits timidly, eyes not meeting Hyunjin's. "About what I could've done, or-or said differently. Just… tons of regrets. Things I wish I could take back that I just  _ can't." _

Letting out a sigh, Hyunjin recalls their fight; the first one of Changbin's memories that he saw. He can't imagine how much guilt the boy is keeping in him, after all that's happened, can't imagine how he would've felt in this situation. But, it brings him back to another conversation he has recently. 

"You know, I talked to Chris the other night,"  he says, trying to keep his tone light as he cleans up around him. "How it'd be possible for you to see  _ him _ again."

Something hard hits the table, and Hyunjin turns around just in time to see Jisung frantically mopping up the tea that he spilled when he knocked over the cup. "W-what do you mean  _ see him?" _ He stutters, looking up at him with a mixture or guilt, fear and  _ hope _ swirling in his eyes. 

Hyunjin shrugs, turning away once again. He hasn't thought about how Jisung might feel about it, at all. "Using the pendulum I'm able to, uh, bring his soul where I want it to be, preferably my…  _ magic mind place, _ whatever it's called," he huffs out an awkward laugh, waits for a confirmation that Jisung is listening before speaking again. "And we talked about how I might be able to get your soul as well, since it's not charged with magic and is… lighter, basically. So, yeah, maybe we can get you to see him. That is, if you want to, I-I don't want you to feel pressured, or anything, I just--"

Jisung silences him by grabbing his arm firmly. "Please," he says, staring up at Hyunjin with big, glassy eyes. "I need… to talk to him. I need to make things right."

"Ji," Hyunjin sighs, placing a hand on top of Jisung's. "If you want to, we'll do it. But you  _ really _ don't need to make things right, okay? You're good. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to apologize." 

Well, he's not a hundred percent sure, but he imagines that by this point, he knows Changbin pretty well. And judging by what Changbin has said, by the way he had acted, Hyunjin thinks it's safe to assume that the other doesn't want, or expect an apology. 

The other boy stares at him for a second, drops his hand and runs it through his hair nervously. "I  _ know  _ that, I just-- listen, it's something that's been haunting me since he died. I  _ have  _ to do it, for the sake of my own conscience." He admits, looking at the wall past Hyunjin's head in defeat. There's a certain heaviness to his words, and Hyunjin can only imagine how it must've felt; knowing that the last conversation he had with Changbin was a fight, knowing that he never got the chance to apologize or make it up to him. 

"Okay," Hyunjin smiles at him, hoping to reassure the boy a little. "We'll do it. Just give me a few more days to make sure I'm have all the energy I need."

Launching himself forward, Jisung wraps his arms around Hyunjin, tightly. "Thank you," he breathes out, voice shaky. "God, Jinnie, I never thought I'd be able to do that.  _ Thank you."  _

 

It doesn't happen until a week after their conversation; Hyunjin insisted he was  _ fine  _ after two days, but Jisung made him wait more, just to make sure he'll be okay.  They don't tell anyone about it, either -- only Chan, because Jisung doesn't know how to keep secrets from the older boy. Hyunjin feels slightly unsure about the whole thing; while he's definitely skilled and can definitely do it, he'd feel a lot better having someone help him. That, and Changbin has  _ no idea  _ what they're doing - Hyunjin completely forgot to mention it whenever they saw each other, though the idea plagued him when he was awake. 

They get ready -- sitting across from each other in Hyunjin's bedroom, Jisung staring at him worriedly, Hyunjin with one hand wrapped around the pendulum, the other tapping out a rhythm on his knee. They're both nervous and it's painfully obvious in the tense silence that's fallen over them. 

"Ready?" Hyunjin asks quietly, waiting for Jisung to give him a tense nod, before he starts.  He begins with a simple protective spell - it's not needed, to be fair, but it calms him down a little knowing that they have an extra layer of security. Then, he closes his eyes and focuses on conjuring his magic. It starts with a faint tingle in his fingertips, and slowly spreads all around his body, the power of it vibrating and shaking deep in his bones. 

He can do it. 

Opening his eyes slowly, he gives Jisung one more reassuring smile, then places a glowing hand on the boy's chest. His magic reaches out, further and further, until it reaches his soul without any resistance. Due to Jisung being a supernatural being and not a witch, there's no need to protect his soul with any sort of shield or barrier, which makes the entire process easier. All of his magic focused on Jisung's soul, Hyunjin carefully pushes it out of his body, catching the boy when his limp form falls forward. 

A presence is felt next to him, Jisung's soul now tethered to his for the minute Hyunjin takes to close his eyes and focus on detaching it from his body. It feels even more uncomfortable when he's the one doing it to himself; but he reminds himself that it's  _ worth it _ and pulls himself and Jisung to where he wants them to be. 

Doing it alone, it feels like falling -- darkness surrounds them and if there was sound in the void, he's sure he'd feel the air whooshing around. Jisung's hand squeezes his tightly, and he doesn't need to look to know what expression the other boy is wearing; tight, with eyes tightly shut and lips pressed together. Hyunjin's unsure if he's done that before, but there is a first time for everything. 

The fall isn't long -- before he knows it, they're falling down onto the tall grass of Hyunjin's own magic realm, Jisung landing half on top of him with a small wince.  It's exactly how he remembers it to be, but  _ something  _ feels off; maybe it's the lack of a breeze rustling through the trees, maybe the odd stillness of the silver creek. Perhaps the realm is just mirroring how he feels. His hold on the pendulum tightens slightly as he begins to focus on drawing out the energy and bringing Changbin there. It's taking a lot of energy out of him already, and he's unsure how long he'll be able to keep it up, but he hopes Jisung at least gets a chance to do what he wants to.

Jisung sits up after a few seconds, staring around him in awe. "That's so cool," he breathes out, eyes wide and sparkling as he turns to look at Hyunjin. 

"You wait here, okay? We'll be back in a second." Hyunjin says, getting up slowly. He sees the nervousness come back to Jisung's features; sees it creep in behind his eyes, sees the tightness of his muscles. He waits for the shapeshifter to nod before walking away. 

Any second now, Hyunjin thinks. The pendulum is warm in his hand, vibrating with energy the tighter he holds onto it. He's starting to feel lightheaded with the effort of holding Jisung's soul and trying to latch onto Changbin's, but he pushes through it twice as hard, until he hears a low thump coming from somewhere to his right. 

"Hi, Jinnie." Changbin's voice doesn't calm him down like it usually does, no, it makes him even more nervous. His heart is in his throat, rapidly pounding as he turns around and tries to put on a smile. The older boy stares at him for a few seconds, worried eyes scanning every part of his body before pulling Hyunjin into a brief hug. "Everything okay?"  

Hyunjin pauses for a moment, before simply deciding to show him. He grabs Changbin's hand, dragging him towards where Jisung is. "I have an, uh, a surprise for you." He mutters, unsure if the other can even hear him. His hands shake, even in Changbin's tight hold. 

Jisung's silhouette is already visible through the trees, and Changbin tenses, mumbling a quiet  _ what?  _ as he walks closer. When the two of them come out into the small clearing, Hyunjin lets go and steps aside, wanting to let them have a moment for themselves. 

"Oh, God," Changbin whispers before crossing the distance in a few long strides and basically crashing into Jisung, who clings onto him as tightly as he possibly can, apologies spilling from his lips as he cries, hands scrambling to hold onto every part of him he can reach. Changbin's crying too, cradling the back of his head and murmuring reassurances. Hyunjin watches them with a sad smile tugging at his lips, glad to be able to make it happen, but at the same time disappointed it took him so long to even consider doing it. 

Jisung pulls away from the hug hesitantly, although his tears don't stop. He's staring at Changbin with the oddest mix of grief and wonder in his eyes, still clutching the older boy's arms tightly. "I'm  _ so sorry,"  _ he cries, shaking his head as his chest heaves with sobs. "There's so many things I wish I hadn't done, or-or said, and I just--" 

He's stopped by Changbin ruffling his hair softly, looking like he's trying to hold back his tears. "It's okay," he whispers, voice cracking. "You don't have to apologize, Ji, I'm--  _ I'm just so glad you're okay." _

"It's  _ not _ okay!" Jisung hiccups, fully breaking down. "Nothing about  _ this--"  _ he swings his arms around them. "--is okay! Everything could've been avoided if we just  _ tried a little harder!  _ And now you're--" 

"Dead? Yeah, I know," Changbin cuts him off gently, both hands braced on Jisung's shoulders as he speaks to him calmly. "Ji, you fucked up, more than once. But it came from you being worried, and I understand that.  _ This--  _ right now? That's on me. I would've done it no matter what. And I know that you and Chan, and everyone else- I know you feel like this is your fault somehow. But it's not - it's mine." 

Hyunjin feels his head swim, and has to brace his hand against a tree for a second before he can slowly walk over to the pair, placing a hand on Jisung's back. "We don't have much time left," he sighs, trying his best to ignore the heartbroken look in Changbin's eyes at the thought of being alone again. 

That seems to sober Jisung up a little bit, and he frantically wipes at his face, grabbing Changbin's arms when he's done, gripping so hard it must hurt. "I'm sorry," he repeats, face tight and voice rushed.  _ "I'm sorry and I wish things went differently and I'm sorry for acting the way I did and I'm sorry for almost dying a-and I miss you. I'm sorry."  _

"I know, Ji," Changbin sends him a sad smile, bringing him into another quick hug. "I miss you too, all of you." He presses a chaste kiss to the side of the boy's head, mouthing a silent  _ thank you  _ at Hyunjin. There's a different look in his eyes now; still grievous, but there's a certain calmness to it, like Changbin has already made peace with the fact he's going to be alone. The thought pains Hyunjin a little, but he doesn't have a lot of time to think about it - he's losing energy more and more with every second, and he has to grab Jisung's hand and tug them back to their own bodies before any of them get lost. 

 

The way back isn't easy - it takes some force physically forcing Jisung's soul back and then moving to his own body. Hyunjin feels completely drained; he watches through half closed eyes as Jisung gets up from the bed and paces around the room, grief so strong it's almost felt. He's unsure if it was a good idea - while it must've been important to Jisung to finally get it off his chest, he begins to think it might make everything worse. 

"Jinnie?" Jisung calls out, voice thick with tears, as he looks out of the window blankly. Hyunjin lets out a barely heard hum in response, fingers rubbing against the pendulum idly. 

"Is it really impossible to bring him back?" 

Hyunjin's heart drops. He sighs, runs his hands over his face tiredly, and stays silent. The idea of a sacrifice plays in his head on loop, but he  _ knows  _ that even if he and Jisung  _ want  _ it, the rest will not agree to it. It gives him hope, but he's too scared of disappointment, again.

"There's a way, Ji," he sighs again, blinking at the ceiling with a frown. "But it won't work." 

That seems to only upset the boy more, and he slams his hand on the wall in frustration . "Why wouldn't it? We can't  _ leave  _ him!" 

_ I know,  _ Hyunjin wants to cry out. He'd do  _ anything  _ if it meant bringing Changbin back - but he's smarter than that, now. "The only way to bring him back involves seven of us sacrificing parts of our souls and making a deal with some kinda deity. And there's no way the others will agree to that when the risk is so high." 

Jisung deflates visibly, lowering his head and sighing. "That doesn't mean we can't try talking to them." 

His head pounds, but Hyunjin ignores it and sits up, staring at the shapeshifter in defeat. "It's not worth it, Ji. You and I both know what they're going to say." It hurts him too, knowing what Jisung is feeling and having to disappoint him in the same way the others disappointed him two years before. 

"Can we at least try, Jinnie?" He pleads, looking more dejected than ever. "Or I'll talk to them, if you don't want to."

Hyunjin stares at him in silence, battling his own thoughts, before he nods hesitantly. "But if anyone asks, this was your idea." 

He can't believe he just agreed to that, knowing what's going to happen, but he's also aware of how  _ stubborn  _ Jisung can be -- he'd rather agree than let the boy do anything about it alone. 

  
  
  
  
  


"Thank you," Changbin says that night, when they're laying on the ground of his magic realm,  colored stars twinkling softly above them. He turns to bury his face in Hyunjin's neck, letting out a quiet sigh. "I really--  _ fuck,  _ I really needed that." 

 

Hyunjin just wraps an arm around his shoulders and holds him a little tighter, trying his best to ignore the growing nervousness in the back of his mind. He's not planning to tell Changbin about their plans just yet, not wanting to create false hope for everyone. "Jisung needed it, too," he mutters into the night,  following the movement of the clouds across the night sky lazily. "But I don't know if it was such a good idea." 

 

Changbin sits up, slightly worried now. "What do you mean?" 

 

Sitting up as well, Hyunjin sighs, leaning his head back and letting it drop against the wall of the house. "He's… a mess right now. Maybe I just made it worse for him." He shuts his eyes briefly, opening them again when he feels Changbin take one of his hands. 

 

"He'll be alright," he reassures softly, squeezing Hyunjin's hand. "We both know how strong he is."

 

Hyunjin let's his eyes wander around them, oddly captivated by the silver grass moving, almost as if it were being moved by wind. "I guess so." He replies, tone flat; he's pretty sure Changbin realizes how out of it he is at the moment, disconnected and stuck in his own head. 

 

He can feel the eyes on him, Changbin's intense glare burning through his body. "Are you sure there isn't anything else going on?" 

 

"I'm sure." The smile Hyunjin gives him in response is a little shaky, but Changbin doesn't question in, just changes the topic and lets them fall into a slow conversation. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The  _ talk  _ happens two days after Jisung first talked about it. The eight of them are in Chan's living room, for once, and Hyunjin watches anxiously as the shapeshifter begins to talk about his reunion with Changbin. He sees the sad looks painting everyone's faces, but he can't help but be scared for what's about to come. 

Jisung, in typical Jisung fashion, decides to just drop it without any preparation. 

"I want to bring him back. Jinnie said that there  _ is  _ a way, and..." 

Everyone in the room looks at Hyunjin questioningly, but he just shrugs. "I told him bringing it up isn't a good idea." 

The unexpected happens. Minho turns in his seat to face Hyunjin fully.  "A safe way?" Hyunjin grimaces. "You could say that." 

The older witch gestures for him to continue. 

"That  _ thing,  _ when it killed him, he technically didn't die, right?" He starts, hoping and praying to all possible deities that they  _ listen.  _ "He's  _ stuck,  _ in another realm, another plane that we could possibly get to and bring him back from. But there's a problem." 

Chan cuts him off, frowning. "His soul." 

Hyunjin nods, taking a deep breath before continuing. "His soul is currently broken up into pieces -- he has maybe a third of it left, and that means it's too weak to bring him  _ back to life.  _ In order to bring him here for good, we'd either have to restore his soul, which we are  _ unable _ to do, but what we can do, is have someone else do it for us." He glances around to room to see everyone listening intently, and it lifts the weight off his shoulders slightly. "By  _ someone else,  _ I mean that there's a specific deity we can contact, and  _ trade  _ with - in order to do that, we'd need to… basically construct a whole new soul, and I'm sure you know how." 

"So what you're saying is," Felix starts, brows furrowed as he processes all the information. "We'd have to each sacrifice a fragment of our souls to make a new one? And that deity, whoever they are, is just going to trade that soul for Bin's? That sounds… too easy." 

Letting out a slightly frustrated breath, Hyunjin sits up straighter, hoping to convince them.  _ "Trust me, I know.  _ But there's all this research I have done-- there's a very slim chance of anything going wrong, okay? It's a  _ fair trade,  _ one soul for another. The only problem most people had was the inability to open a portal to another realm, or to construct a whole soul out of fragments."

Chan and Jeongin give each other a  _ look;  _ they know that both these things would be easy for them. 

Minho stays still, eyes boring into Hyunjin's with a scary intensity. "Can we see your research?" 

Ignoring the panicked beating of his heart, Hyunjin nods frantically. He did  _ not  _ expect any of it to happen, and he has  _ no idea  _ what to do now. While he's in the midst of thinking what would be the fastest way to have them see it, Jeongin opens a gate, a portal to his apartment, like it's nothing.

Hyunjin jumps through it; almost falls over himself as he runs around making sure to collect everything before the gate closes again and in a few minutes, he's back. He sweeps everything on the coffee table onto the floor, spreading the scrolls and books and notes onto the surface. He has everything, ranging from notes on how to summon the deity, to written down experiences from other people who he had to contact and talk to. 

He watches with uncertainty as the seven hunches over the table, scanning everything thoroughly.  _ There's no way they'd agree to it just like that,  _ he thinks, but at the same time, it sort of makes sense to him. Since erasing his memory, all of them had to pretend nothing ever happened, pretend like Changbin never existed, and that never gave them the time to fully process and grieve - and Hyunjin  _ knows  _ that now, when it's all coming back out, it's like reliving it all over again; it's like the universe has given them a second chance to fix everything. 

Chan leans back after what seems like forever, and clears his throat. "I hope you're aware of the fact that in order to get a fragment of your souls, it would need to be physically ripped out, right?" He asks, looking at everyone except for Jisung, who shrinks back slightly. 

Despite all the advantages that come with Jisung being a magical creature, the one big thing that they cannot under any circumstances do, is mess with his soul in any way that's permanent; just like in Changbin's situation, the shapeshifter needs his soul to be whole in order to live in this realm, and therefore he has to be excluded from their plans. 

"I'll do whatever it takes." Minho replies, earning hums of agreement from everyone else. They're all on the same page now, and it doesn't need to be said out loud.

They'll bring Changbin back. 

 

The preparations take them almost two weeks -- Hyunjin leaves all his research at Chan's house, lets him and Jeongin try to find our even more, because after all, they're the ones that'll do all the work. Jeongin spends most time jumping between different planes, asking people for advice and confirming all that Hyunjin was able to find. 

Among all the chaos happening around them, and the lack of time to hold proper conversations, Hyunjin just so happens to not tell Changbin anything - he figures it'd be a nice surprise. 

After the preparations are all complete, Hyunjin finds himself in an empty guest bedroom in Chan's house that has been temporarily transformed into a magic room; it's where the soul will be constructed and the portal opened. It's nerve wracking; they set an order in which they'd get their soul fragment extracted, with Chan being last and Hyunjin right before him. He's heard the pained screams as he waited, saw the tears, and oddly enough, the sight didn't make him that nervous.  _ It's what needs to be done,  _ he reminds himself.

Once it's his turn, he can't help but worry about it, and it must show, because when he enters the room, Woojin, Chan's designated helper, decides to place a spell over him to calm him down as soon as he sits down in a  chair in the center. 

The protective spell settles over him with a wave of calm all over his body and mind. Hyunjin clasps his hands together and tries to ignore his pounding heart. Magic swirls around his form, purple mist clouding his vision and he closes his eyes, waiting. 

"This will hurt, but it'll pass quickly," Chan tries to reassure him, but his voice comes out unsure. "Try to stay still, okay?" 

Hyunjin nods. 

Chan's hand plunges inside of his chest, and he has to bite back a pained scream. The intrusion is by far the most painful thing he's ever felt, but he tries to keep still; ignores how it feels like there's something burning him from the inside out, spreading fire through his veins. He tries to breathe through the sharp stabs of pain, but his lungs constrict, causing him to choke on a gasp when Chan reaches his soul. 

It's like nothing he's ever felt before; like he's been ripped open and left with every nerve ending exposed, and he can't help the tears that spill down his face, can't help the pained sounds that leave his mouth every time he feels another movement. When Chan whispers a quiet apology, he tries to brace himself, but the hand  _ ripping away  _ a part of his soul rips a loud scream from his throat. In his mind, he chants Changbin's name like a prayer, holds onto the memories of his voice and his soft touches, reminds himself  _ why _ he's doing all of this. 

He's dizzy with the pain, the ringing in his ears too loud for him to know what's happening. His hands grip the sides of the chair, so hard he can't force himself to let go. When the hand finally retreats, a piece of his soul leaving with it, he slumps forward, breathless. The pain is still here, although a lot less intense, sharp stinging spiking whenever he moves. Hyunjin thinks he might've blacked out for a second, because when he's finally aware of his surroundings, there's a hand resting on his knee that wasn't there before.

"Jinnie," someone calls out to him softly. Hyunjin opens his eyes, blinks to get rid of the tears that still remain, slowly uncurls his hands and winces at the soreness. Woojin looks up at him, own pain hidden beneath layers of concern.  He helps him up and leads him outside just as the whole room lights up due to Chan's magic. The older helps Hyunjin to the couch, where he sits down and curls up against Felix, waiting for the stinging in his chest to subside. 

Felix wraps an arm around his shoulders, and when he speaks his voice is hoarse from screaming. "That  _ sucked,"  _ he whispers with a pout on his lips, making Hyunjin breathe out a quiet laugh. "If it doesn't work I'm going to be  _ so  _ pissed," Hyunjin replies, rubbing his chest idly. He can't help but doubt them, can't help but think about the what-ifs, about all things that could possibly go wrong. Because, after all, their plan is not guaranteed to go well --  their souls could get lost,  _ hell,  _ Chan and Jeongin could get lost or  _ worse  _ on their way to find Changbin. It sends a spike of anxiety down his spine, making him cling to Felix a little more. 

"What are you thinking about?" The boy asks, hand tightening around Hyunjin's shoulder at the muffled cry that comes out of the room Chan is currently in - an indication that their plan is in their last phase. Now all that's left to do, is for Jeongin and Chan to open a portal and make the exchange.  

Hyunjin sighs, closes his eyes briefly in an attempt to quell the anxiety settled into his bones. "I just don't want anything to go wrong," he mutters, holding onto the pendulum like it's a lifeline.  _ God,  _ Changbin has no idea what they're about to do;  _ if  _ they find him  _ and  _ the exchange doesn't work, he fears it might make everything worse. Hyunjin doesn't even want to think about it. 

Someone slaps his thigh lightly, and when his gaze flickers up he locks eyes with Minho, who's leaning against the coffee table in front of them, a tired smile on his lips. "Don't say that," he chides, drumming his fingers on the table lightly. Despite his lighthearted tone, his nerves are just as obvious. "If it was just Chris going, maybe then it'd be good to worry. But Innie's going to be with him and he's basically a good luck charm." 

Hyunjin finds himself snorting in amusement at the comment, but he knows Minho is right; he has  _ never _ seen someone as talented and powerful as Jeongin is. The chance of failure is very slim, especially with Chan - the two of them are a nearly unbeatable duo when combined and the realization eases his nerves a little. "I guess you're right." 

The corner of Minho's lips curls up in a teasing smirk. "I'm always right, haven't you realized already?"

Before Hyunjin can come up with a witty response, the door to the room opens and Chan walks out. "We're ready," he says, his strained voice betraying his confident posture. All of them get up slowly, watching as Jisung and Seungmin enter the room, waiting for them to join before moving to join Chan, Jeongin and Woojin. 

Their youngest brother is standing in front of a blank wall, glowing hands drawing patterns across the smooth surface. He's deep in thought, with furrowed brows and lips pulled into a thin line. Hyunjin watches as Woojin casts a protective spell over both him and Chan, whispering something to the older of the two before moving to stand next to Minho. The six of them share nervous glances among each other, unsure what to do when the two are gone. Since time passes differently in magical realms, it's hard to estimate how long they'll be gone for - it could be an hour or two, but it also could be a day or a week. The uncertainty scares Hyunjin more than anything. 

A gust of wind ruffles their hair as the portal in front of Jeongin opens, showing a gateway to a realm none of them have seen before; all barren trees and empty buildings, a grotesque imitation of what Seoul usually looks like. It sends a shiver down Hyunjin's spine, and he absentmindedly finds himself reaching for someone, grabbing Jisung's forearm in an attempt to ground himself. It takes every ounce of willpower he has for him to not run into the portal to help bring Changbin back himself -- he's aware of how dangerous it is, and the less of them in the realm, the safer they are. 

"We'll see you soon, okay? Stay safe." Chan calls out to them before Jeongin's hand curls around his wrist and they step through the portal, the gate closing behind them immediately with a soft whoosh. 

Hyunjin looks around, takes in the worried faces of everyone around him, and leaves the room wordlessly. It feels like the walls are closing in and he needs to  _ get out _ and just  _ breathe  _ for a moment before he goes crazy. Footsteps follow him outside and into the backyard where he stands with his arms crossed over his chest defensively. The anxiety sits deep in the pit of his stomach and at the base of his spine. It wraps its ugly hands around Hyunjin's throat, cutting off airflow and making him feel like he's going to pass out at any moment. 

He doesn't want to think about Changbin stranded in that post apocalyptic nightmare for over two years, about all the possible things that could haunt him there, about the  _ loneliness  _ he must've felt. The wave of guilt rolls over him, bringing tears to his eyes because  _ they could've done something earlier, and not waited  _ **_two years._ **

A hand rests on his shoulder, momentarily pulling him out of his head. "Jinnie," Woojin's voice is soft and steady; if he's nervous, which Hyunjin honestly doubts, he's masking it perfectly. "They'll be fine." 

"How can you be so sure?" Hyunjin questions, turning around to look at the older. His mind swims with the possibilities of failure -- although slim, the fear of not being able to bring Changbin back after all that happened, makes his heart race. 

Woojin smiles at him, warm and reassuring; his hand slides from his shoulder, gripping his arm lightly. The touch is grounding, temporarily making Hyunjin forget about his anxieties. "Just trust me, okay?" 

He gives Hyunjin a few more minutes to fully calm down, smile not leaving his face, before he gently pulls him back inside the house. Hyunjin walks back into the house and into the living room, holds onto the pendulum tightly, and prepares himself; patience doesn't happen to be one of his strong suits. 

An hour passes, and Hyunjin grows restless. At two hours, his legs ache from pacing  around the room. At three, Seungmin and Felix join him but leave quickly. His heart races so hard he fears he might pass out.  

A day passes, and Hyunjin begins to get worried. He hasn't slept, only getting up to eat and drink after Jisung practically forces him to do so. His hands shake too much to hold the pendulum without dropping it. 

Two days pass. Hyunjin almost misses the portal opening again, busy catching up on sleep after being forced to by Jisung. He's woken up by the pendulum vibrating against his skin, loaded with energy and burning bright with magic. Loud voices coming from the room with the gate make him stop right before he reaches the door. He feels sick with anxiety, not ready for the possible disappointment and heartbreak. 

He steps out into the room, fully expecting to only see the seven of them there, doing a mental headcount as he walks in. There's Woojin standing before the gate, seemingly trying to keep it open as he waits for Chan to come back in, and a huddle in the middle of the room, overlapping cries and voices making it hard for him to understand--

_ Oh.  _

If Hyunjin wasn't holding onto the wall, his legs would've given up underneath him. He stands in the doorway, mouth dry and heart racing, as he tries to comprehend the fact that Jeongin has his arm around Changbin's shoulders, Changbin is there,  _ real,  _ smiling at something Felix has said and Hyunjin has never seen him look so radiant and happy. 

He can't comprehend the situation, can't believe that it  _ actually worked _ , but the tears on everyone's faces and the relief cutting through the air are  _ real.  _ Slowly, he sees the small crowd part, all heads turning towards him, but he pays them no mind, instead almost breaking down on the spot when he makes eye contact with Changbin. The older looks at him with the fondest, most glad look in his eyes, slowly walking across the room to stand in front of Hyunjin with a whispered greeting.

Hyunjin stares at him, wide eyed and frozen still, before he reaches out hesitantly and places a hand on Changbin's chest; softly, like he's scared one wrong touch will break the illusion. His fingers brush against the fabric of his shirt (soft, worn,  _ real, too real) _ and as his palm presses against skin (warm, solid,  _ real) _ he prepares himself for disappointment once again.  

Changbin's heart races under his fingertips. 

_ (warm, solid, real,  _ _ alive _ _ ) _

Hyunjin breaks down then, the hand on Changbin's chest curling into a fist as he stands there, whole body shaking from the shock and chest heaving from the force of his sobs. He still hasn't said anything, too stunned to form words, but thankfully, Changbin seems to understand. He reaches up to wrap his arms around Hyunjin's shoulders, and holds him as close as he possibly can, muttering quiet reassurances and swaying them side to side.   

He might as well be dreaming, Hyunjin thinks to himself as he clings to Changbin, feels the arms around him, feels the heart still hammering beneath his hand. 

If he is, then he never wants this dream to stop. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it. the end of this story and i have a few things to say:  
> 1) im terribly sorry at how long it took!!! i was so distracted with other things and eventually i hit a wall with this chapter and had to redo everything  
> 2) i left the ending like this intentionally - im thinking of writing either a follow up story to this one, with changbin adapting to being alive again and the rest being glad he's back OR a story detailing the things that changbin did in the 2 years of being stuck in another realm. or both, who knows  
> 3) THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!! this is the first chaptered fic ive written that i managed to finish, and while im sad to see it go, i feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that i finished it - and i wouldn't be able.to.do it without everyone who left kudos or comments. please know that you've really motivated me and made me enjoy writing again<3 
> 
> seeing as it is now currently Very Late, this is all i have to say. 
> 
> please stay tuned because i have a few good fics in the works that may get posted in the nearest months!!
> 
> \+ you can find me on twitter (@skzmunch) and tumblr (@99spearbs)


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